Ways of Numbing the Pain
by cathandsaraforever55
Summary: One night Sara lets her feelings overcome her sending her and Catherine on a path of hurt, struggle, and numbing. Will they be able to save their friendship, and what the future holds for them. CSR if you don't like the idea of it don't read it
1. Chapter 1

Title- Ways of Numbing the Pain

Credits- Most Characters belong to CBS but if I could have them for myself I would keep them

Spoilers- Some of seasons 3, 5, and 7

Rated M- for violence and adult content

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Sara is sitting in the break room with the rest of the group, a rarity now days. She isn't quite sure why the Swing Shift is here too, but she is not complaining for at the moment she is busy watching Catherine. Her eyes glide up and down the blonde's perfect curves, blonde hair framing her striking features. As Catherine smiles at Warrick's joke that smile reaches those blue never ending pools. The thing Sara can't take her eyes off of is Catherine's lips. She can imagine them on hers returning the love Sara feels for Catherine. She isn't completely sure if it is love for she has never felt this way toward anyone not even Grissom. _It could just be a brief attraction to the fiery blonde for she is gorgeous. I've always noticed it I mean I do have eyes, but what if it is something more. This feeling has me completely lost. Nothing has changed between us, and I have never before loved a woman._

_I loved Grissom so much, and I had loved him for so long before he accepted my invitation to dinner. I had lost count of how many times I had asked him to join me, but he finally said yes. My heart soared as all the weight of my past was taken off of it. This was a new beginning for me, a chance to make a home. He was all that passed through my mind he distracted me at work when I would detect his presence. It took all my strength to stop myself from having my way with him right there in the lab. But I also remember that day when along with everyone else I discovered has was going on sabbatical. I couldn't believe him for leaving me out, but even more I couldn't believe myself for putting all of my heart in his hands, and feeling he had changed enough to not crush it. He had always been the one to put up the barriers, and was the one to take them down; foolishly I would be there patiently waiting for him to make up his mind. He would let me in, and then abruptly block me out. Every time I thought that I had escaped Grissom's grip, and my heart and mind were to have a break after a violent storm Grissom would waltz back into my life with full force sweeping me off my feet. Yet again I found myself waiting for his return, and when it came nothing was the same between us; everything was strained and awkward. Eventually Grissom asked me something I was dreading in his own quirky way "Maybe we should get married," I said yes, but my heart was screaming no not after what he had done to me. Our relationship ended quicker than it began it seems, and believe it or not he was the one to end it not me._

_For weeks on end I cried, the tears never seemed to end, and every time it felt I had cried all I could a new flood of tears would appear. I was unable to sleep, and didn't even have to fight it off like before. I was busy pacing, and wondering how it had gone wrong. I thought I had loved him. I forgot to eat, this wasn't new for me except I ignored the gnawing pain constantly in my stomach telling myself I would eat later; I was too upset to eat now. I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve being treated the way he had treated me for years on end, and I couldn't find the answer anywhere. Everywhere I looked Grissom was there pulling me down. Taking me deeper into the engulfing darkness. I know I shouldn't have; it was against my agreement with Grissom after I almost got charged with a DUI, but I turned back to alcohol. It was an urge so strong to numb the pain that I turned to what I knew would work, and yet again it consumed my life. I refused help, and knew that I was turning into an alcoholic again. Still I turned a blind eye to the plain evidence. I was on the verge of suicidal no matter how many friends I had who cared. I didn't feel life was worth it. If it hadn't been for the smile and kind word from the person I least expected that brought me back to reality I might not be sitting in this room today._ Sara knows the complications of her feelings, besides for the fact that Catherine is a co-worker soon to be her supervisor.

They can't stand each other, and each woman is on the other's case twenty-four seven, Catherine always has felt the need to exert her power over Sara, and Sara resents that more than anything in the world. Plus Catherine is a straight woman with a daughter, and Sara is straight too, or at least she thought she was until a month ago. She never believed she could feel affection for another human being ever again. Sara knows her feelings will have to stay hidden it, but they always do with the ones she chooses to love.

Grissom drags Sara out of her thoughts. At first it is a blurry murmur; then as she makes it through the fog actual words start to form. Sara realizes how long she had been staring at Cath, and adverts her eyes as quickly as she can hoping no one has noticed. For a third time Grissom says something loudly, and Sara can finally comprehend it.

"**Sara? New Case?"**

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The night has not at all started out well for Catherine Willows. After finishing a fight with her 14 year old daughter, Lindsay, about going out with boys on a date alone, she trudged to work with a fever, and ended up with a decomp case. At least she has the guys at the lab to cheer her up she doesn't know what she would do without them, but something tugs at the back of her mind as she makes her way to the scene. As she sat in the break room it was great to have the whole team back together, but the feeling she was being watched overwhelmed her. Turning to see if anyone was actually looking at her she found Sara's brown orbs intently focused on her. _What was in her eyes? I just can't figure it out; let alone why Sara was staring at me. She has given me the cold shoulder ever since our last blow up. It was public as most of the others are, and if not they are not public they quickly travel through the gossip circle. There was a new emotion in her eyes that I couldn't read tonight, and it has never been there before; well I have never noticed it before. I could see hurt, anger, confusion, and stress there, but those always seem to shadow the young brunette's face, and cloud her eyes. It is one of the perks of the job, and it happens to the best of us, but what I saw made her glow, and no one has seen her do that since Grissom. This emotion was indescribable except for that she glowed, and it has me lost. Why would it be in her eyes when she is looking at me? It could be possible she was lost in memory? But it did not seem like it at all. It is hard for me to admit, but I like her and I will only admit it to myself. I wish we could become friends, but neither of us can penetrate the others shield. It seems we both recognized that our strong and independent personalities refuse to work together, but still I wish we could try to be friends._

The scene is rough for Catherine the decomp turned out to be a twelve year old boy whom had been laying there for a few days. Doc Robbins found the COD was caused by long term abuse. They had no leads, and she refused to let justice go un-served in this case, but she was forced to stop by the return of her fever accompanied by a raging headache.

Opening the doors of the station all Cath wants to do is sink into her bed. The sun is too bright for her; feeling like a vampire she heads straight for her car wanting protection from the light. **"Bye Cat."** Turning to see Sara with her adorable gap toothed smile, she yet again notices that faint twinkle in Sara's eyes.

Throat killing her, and exhaustion winning the battle, quietly, kindly, and slightly croaky Catherine replies, **"Bye Sara, I'll see you tomorrow."** As she leaves Sara can't help but smirk at the look confusion on Catherine's face.

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"**Sara."** Looking up she is caught in the clear, blue eyes of Grissom.

"**Yes Griss?"**

"**I know that this is odd, but can you do me a favor? Catherine is too sick to pick up Linzz from school, and she has asked me to do it, but I am swamped. So I was wondering if you could do it?"**

"**Sure"**

"**Thanks."**

"**Yeah. No problem"**

Rushing to recollect the evidence spread across the table, Sara wonders if Cath is alright, and how serious her illness is. She doesn't know what to do to help except what she is doing now. Nerves kick in, and Sara makes it to Linzz's school in a record time. Then scares Lindsay as she cuts the time to Catherine's house in two. Sara realizes she had never actually been in Cath's house before, and it hurts her a little, but she is quickly distracted by the fact that Catherine doesn't seem to be coming to the door.

Lindsay comes back to the car shaking her head.

"**Do you have a key?"**

"**I forgot it today."**

Getting out Sara goes up to the door and knocks loudly. **"Catherine it's Sara. I brought Lindsay home for you, can you open the door?"** She hears rustling behind the door, and a lock turning; relief floods over Sara. As the door opens Sara is facing a very pale, red eyed Catherine. Lindsay walks past her mom and goes into what Sara assumes is her room. She appears to have a reason to make herself scarce.

"**Hi."**

"**Hey."** Now, up close, Catherine looks even sicker that Sara has realized at a first glance. Standing there they both find something to focus their eyes on that is not each other, and to both of them it feels this longest awkward silence they have ever been through.

Sara finally manages to turn her brain on and think of something to say, **"How are you holding in there? Do you need anything?" **Cath opens her mouth to answer, and her eyes roll back in her head. Next thing Sara knows Catherine is passed out on the floor in front of her.

Sara kneels down feeling Catherine's pulse. It is there beating strong.** "Catherine? Cat? Can you hear me?" **Lindsay dashes out of her room and rushes to her mother's side.

"**Mom? Wake up."** Catherine's eyes flicker open and she looks into Sara's deep brown eyes which are full of concern, and then over to her daughter's pale, scared face. She reaches up and strokes Lindsay's cheek trying to prove that she is alright.

"**Linzz sweetie I'm fine, why don't you go back to your room?"**

"**I'm not going to leave you like this."**

" **You won't be. Sara is here to help me,"** looking over she gives the brunette a pleading look trying to convey how she feels without words.

"**Your mom is right Lindsay, I'm not leaving her side. How about you go get your homework done so we can make your mom dinner? How does that sound?"**

"**Fine,"** before leaving Linzz gives Sara a glace that reminds her all too much of the blonde lying on the ground at her knees. She understands the meaning of it clearly, "If you hurt her I'll kill you." Then Linzz turns around and retreats intoto her room.

"**Jesus Cat, you scared me."**

"**Sorry, good thing you were here huh?"** Catherine gives Sara her most charming smile to let her know she is fine, but there is a look of fear displayed upon Sara's face.

"**Can you get up?"**

"**I can try,"** she manages to stand then starts swaying. Quickly Sara has Cath put her arm around her waist. Then Sara reaches behind her to support Cath as much as she can. Sara helps Catherine down the hall; she can't help noticing the other woman's warmth and body rubbing up against her. Sara struggles to keep herself under control, and Catherine notices that Sara is acting uncomfortable, but has no clue why, and can't really do anything to fix at the moment.

"**Which one is your room?"**

Looking up to all the shut doors, **"The last one on the left."**

Easing Cath onto the bed Sara can feel her shaking. She covers the small blonde up she feels her forehead.

"**You're burning up. I'll be right back I'm going to find you some Advil."** With Lindsay's help Sara successfully finds everything she needs. She returns to Cath noting the details of the house along the way. She gives Catherine the medicine, and sits in the reading chair across the room. She watches Cath who has her eyes closed, and smiles to herself. _She looks so peaceful when she rests. I never thought I would ever get the chance to see her this way. _The smell of vanilla still lingers in Sara's mind and in a matter of minutes has become a welcoming and comforting smell. Catherine admires the sweet smile of the woman lost in thought across the room and wonders what Sara could be thinking about that makes her smile like that.

"**I appreciate what you have done for me hun, but I'm sure your tired and need rest before your next shift."**

"**I'm not leaving you here like this. Plus I promised Linzz we would attempt to make you dinner,"** she flashs a gap toothed smile at Catherine.

"**Sara you really don't have to waste your time on ……"**

"**Don't finish that sentence you are defiantly worth my time, and I am going to stay and help don't worry about it at all. I want to help you."** Her argument in Cath's mind is too sincere to pass up, and she allows Sara to win this one.

"**Now to go find Lindsay."**

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_This is defiantly not the Sara Sidle I know. The Sara I know would give me half her attention with little patience. It is different I admit, but nice and comforting. The only time she has left my side is to help Lindsay or get me something I have hesitantly asked for. She has stayed curled up in that chair no matter how many times I have tried to persuade her to share a bed with me, or go sleep in the guest room. I know she doesn't feel comfortable around me. Maybe that's what hinders her from taking up my offer. She has always been a very distant person, and we have never really been in close proximity of each other partly because of the fear that one of us would get pissed and try to deck the other. It was a smart move on both of our parts. Now I have seen another side to Sara, and I want to be her friend. God damn it! Why are we so stubborn? I have to wait on her I guess. This is the second or third time she has seen me so vulnerable and helpless. I have trusted her to keep it quiet, and she has. I have opened up to her even if she doesn't realize it. Now it is her turn. _

"**Hey, Sara?"**

"**Yea?"** Sara has just gotten back from dropping Lindsay at school, and man can that girl talk.

"**Would you like to get breakfast with me?"**

"**Yeah that would be great; I mean if you are feeling up to it that is."**

"**God, yes I want to get out of this house so badly! Give me ten minutes to shower."**

Sara looks up from what she has been restarting and working on for the past three days to watch Catherine get up and head into the bathroom. When Cath comes out wrapped in a towel Sara has to suppress a whimper that wants to escape. Beads of water trickle down her back disappearing under the towel, and slide into her cleavage. Her hair is in wet strands around her face, and it takes great effort for Sara to get herself out of the chair to give Catherine privacy.

Catherine comes out dressed in a tank-top that creates the perfect amount of cleavage, and jeans that hug her ass. As she goes to find a sweater Sara can't help but check Catherine out. Coming back Catherine give Sara the biggest smile, **"Are you ready?"**

**"Yeah"**

"**Listen, I was thinking you should bring your car so that you can go home and rest before shift tonight."** Sara nods her head in agreement, but something visibly changes in her demeanor, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Catherine.

After a great meal, and argument over who would pay the bill the two woman exited the restaurant closer than they had ever been before."**Well thanks for everything hun I really appreciate it."**

**"It was no problem."** Sara turns to go, and is in complete shock when Catherine grabs her and pulls her into a hug, she felt herself let out a little gasp of surprise. She has never received this kind of affection from Catherine and defiantly doesn't mind the warm friendly embrace. Sara can't turn her mind off in time before it wanders to how Catherine's body feels against hers.

**"I'll see you later"**

"**Yeah later,"** Cath smiles at her then leaves.

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_This is ridiculous it has only been half a day and I miss her. The past three days have been better than I could ever imagine. Being with Catherine leaves a warm feeling inside of me, and when I'm around her it drowns me. I have never been good with kids, but everything came so easily with Lindsay. I was shocked, at myself._** "Maybe I'll go out. What's one more call into work? I have enough vacation time built up to last me a year,"** Sara mumbles to herself.

At the bar there are men hitting on Sara left and right. They offer to buy her drinks, and she accepts all of the offers, because all she can think about is Catherine. No matter what she does she can't get the blonde out of her mind. Every blonde she sees she holds her breathe as they turn around, and every time their face is revealed there is a swelling disappointment in Sara's heart. Sara finds herself drinking her pain away, again longing for that numb feeling she gets at the bottom of the bottle. On the dance floor she grinds on every man close enough to her. Letting them have their fun and grope her as long as it doesn't go past that.

She can barely walk as she goes out to catch her cab. Sara wants to let the alcohol really do its job when she passes out, but can't let herself fall asleep; not until she gets home. In the cab she stares out at all of the neon signs, and then at the beautiful houses. One catches her eye it is big with a lush green yard, and all the lights are off. She feels in her pocket and finds a piece of paper. It has been there all day secretly gnawing away at her.**"Can you pull into this driveway for a second please? I promise I won't be long."** She manages to slur this to the driver in time. Sara gets out and stumbles up the steps. She slips the paper under the door. The door of Catherine's house.

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_What is wrong with me? We have just become friends and she won't leave my mind. It is something about the hug. I know it has set me off. It felt so good, but it was just a hug between friends, and we both know that. Yet it won't allow me to shut off my brain, and it is driving me insane, because I shouldn't be thinking of Sara like this. _Catherine is at home. She has been trying to read for the last half an hour, because she never gets the chance to, but she can't this time either. She has decided to go pick up Linzz from school early, hoping some time with her daughter will clear he mind.

She is curled up on the couch with Linzz watching movies. The movie has kept her distracted for a while, but no longer can._ It is just some random attraction. It must be I will get over it soon enough. The feeling must have been inside of me all along and now it has surfaced because I have spent time with Sara. That must be it, which means it will disappear any time now._

As Sara parties and drinks her problems away Catherine has resorted to something else, and when that doesn't work she lays in bed drifting in, and out of a fitful sleep. Finally she gets up, and makes herself a drink, which leads to two, and then to three. Cath goes back to her room, and falls asleep.

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The alarm fills the room as Sara rushes to turn it off her head is pounding. She is yet again considering calling in sick to work, but she has already done that four times in a row. Pulling herself out of bed she gets in the shower washing away the smell of smoke and alcohol that has permeated everything. After getting dressed she puts on her jacket planning to throw away the piece of paper that lies inside her pocket, but it is not there. _Oh shit!_

At the same time Catherine is heading out the door on her way to work, since becoming supervisor of Swing she is in and out when she wants. She stumbles across a piece of paper on the floor with her name on it that she never noticed before. Right away she recognizes Sara's writing. She has the urge to read it right now, but can't because she promised Nick she would be right back to give him a hand on his case.

As soon as she finishes with Nick she goes to her office and shuts the door and blinds, allowing herself privacy. She opens the letter and starts to read:

_**Cath,**_

_**There is no easy way for m to tell you this, and I wish there was a way without jeopardizing are newly kindled friendship. I feel you should know though so that you can decide if we should have a friendship or not, and whether it would be to awkward for you. I love you, and I have for a long time. At first I thought it was just attraction like when we first met. I don't know how I couldn't be attraction to you, because you are gorgeous and that sometimes leaves the mind to stray. But it has become a stronger feeling, and it has become more complex and harder to control. I will not lie to you. I watch you flirt with the guys at the lab, and I am taken over by jealously. I'm not sure if it is, because of how I feel toward you, or because of the gentle loving affection you give them, that I have not until recently experienced. I love being on your better side. I never expected it would happen, and I never could have guessed how sweet and protective you are to those you care about. If I have just ruined everything between us I will regret it for the rest of my life , but if I did not tell you how I felt it would eat me alive and I would feel regret every waking moment until there was nothing left of me to feel. You deserve to know the truth.**_ -_**Sara**_

Catherine is in complete awe as she sits there not able to comprehend what she just read. So she rereads it again until her brain can start to function again. _Loves me? Wow! Geez! What am I going to do? What can I say to not break her heart, but say it is not possible at the same time_? Catherine lets out a sigh, and sits there lost in thought.

Sara enters the building cautiously keeping an eye out for Catherine. She is ready to run full speed the opposite direction at the first glance of the older woman. She is so nervous she thinks she might throw up. Peering around the corner through the glass wall into the break room; before entering to get some coffee there is no sign of Catherine, and Sara lets out a sigh of relief**. "Hey gorgeous!"**

**"Hey Greg. How are you?"**

**"Amazing now that I've seen you. I've got to run to Trace, and see what Hodges has found. Feel free to help yourself to my special stash of coffee you look like you need it."** He turns to leave, "**Oh Sara, I forgot to tell you Cath's looking for you..."** Her heart starts to pound in her chest and she starts to have a little trouble breathing, but she forces herself to calm down in front of Greg.** "But she had to go out to a scene. What did you do to piss her off this time?"**

**"I'm not sure...well I think I know, but I would hate to misinform the whole gossip circle,"** Sara says smiling.

**"Well good luck with that!"** Smiling Greg leaves the room. Finishing her coffee Sara goes to bury herself in work. Triple homicide it looks gang related. That isn't confirmed yet, but the materials Sara is examining might prove it. Singing to herself Sara doesn't notice the presence of another in the room. Catherine's stomach turns as she clears her throat.

"**Sara, I need to speak to you in my office."** Sara jumps at the sound of Cath's voice but refuses to look up, struggling to hide the burning of her cheeks.

**"Okay, give me a minute."** Turning Catherine leaves the room; _hear goes nothing_ is the only thought in her head.

The blinds are down and the door is shut, but Sara ignores them as she enters the office feeling nothing could make this situation worse. Catherine is sitting there with the saddest expression Sara has ever seen on her face. She motions for Sara to sit in the chair she has moved around the desk next to hers.

Cath tries to encourage Sara with a smile, but only manages a very weak half smile. Sitting Sara looks at Catherine the brunette's cheeks are red, and even though she tries to hide it Cath detects fear in her dark orbs.

"**I got your letter"**_ Oh shit! I still had a little strand of hope that I hadn't..._ The only reply that Catherine receives is silence.**"I hadn't realized..."** nerves forced Catherine to stop and look away from Sara. Taking a deep breath she tries again.**" I hadn't realized that you feel that way for me Sara and I should have. I know what you are most likely thinking you don't have to say it. That I hate you, or that I do now, but I don't."**

**"Oh yeah?"**

**"Yes."**

Anger and defense flash is Sara's eyes, and Catherine wonders how far this conversation will get before the yelling starts and the walls come up. The thought of lashing hurtful comments at Sara after the side of her Catherine has seen seems impossible, but Cath knows she will do it if Sara will.** "So most of the time you just like treating me like shit for no reason? I've seen the other side to you Catherine and it is one I will cherish forever, but a part of me feels like it was just an act."**

**"Part of me is jealous of you I guess and always has been. I felt threatened by your presence, and I apologize, but what you saw was not an act. I like having you as a friend Sara. Maybe I should have stopped and thought about what I was saying most of the time but I didn't, and there is nothing I can do about it now."**

**"Maybe you should have."** Sara's voice is rising, but she knows better than to let it to get out of control at work, again.

**"I have no other excuse, or explanation except for the one I just given you."** Silence again. Sara gets up and walks across the room turning her back to Catherine. Feeling the need to stand Catherine walks around the desk and leans against it giving Sara her space.

Sara is the first to speak, **"We mine as well get this over with."**

**"I have all the time in the world right now."** Sara turns her head and gives Catherine a look that clearly says "yeah right**." "Your letter Sara; I want to talk about it."**

Knowing this sounds childish she replies, **"What if I don't?"**

**"Then listen. You say that you love me, but how can you when clearly I've treat you like shit? Until recently we have never been able to be in the same room as each other alone for more than five minutes. I don't want to say this, but this could never work. I don't have those feelings for you. I want to be honest with you though since you were with me. I have come to realize this means nothing, but since I hugged you I can't stop thinking about you. It is just a fantasy though."** At this Sara turns around and goes up to Catherine forcing the blonde as close to the desk as she can go. Their breath becomes ragged, as lust and passion fuse together. Looking up into Sara's eyes Catherine knows that she is waiting for Catherine to make the move and kiss her proving that Cath would give this a chance. Catherine wants to just say the hell with it, and kiss Sara; her lust is over coming her. Taking one last look in those eyes she knows she could never hurt Sara in this way so she turns her head, and waits for Sara to back away. Tears fill the brunette's eyes. As she is about to leave Catherine says in a barely audible whisper from behind her desk,** "I'm sorry."** She knows Sara heard it as she leaves closing the door behind her.

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Soon the whole lab has heard or seen the distance that has appeared Catherine and Sara in a few hours. They assume they have had another fight it just wasn't as public as last time.

The next day Catherine and Warrick are working in the layout room. Warrick watches with concern as the blonde gets more and more frustrated by the second. This isn't like her. Catherine has almost always tried to stay objective to cases no matter how moving, but today is different. Something is different. In her whole appearance; she has bags under her eyes and she looks thrown together. That is one thing Catherine Willows never looks is thrown together. She can look pissed, sad, frustrated, happy, sweet, cool, mostly hot, but never the way she does today. Worry lines crease her brow, and she is about ready to either drop any minute of exhaustion, or break down into a fit of tears. No one Warrick knows has ever seen Catherine this far off her game, except for one or twice in her life, and those times she defiantly had a good reason.

Even though this case involves a murdered child, and it is the kind of case known to get to Catherine, even to Gris; Warrick has a hunch that the case is not the problem this time around. Deciding to see if he can distract her Warrick starts in on the blood spatter. **"Well the blood spatter on the wall suggests..."** Warrick looks over at Cath for a sign of recognition that he is talking and finds her staring at something or someone through the glass wall with hurt and sadness floating in those ice blue eyes. Her emotions mask her beautiful face, blanketing her beauty and turning it into something else. Something that is hard to look at, and instantly draws pity from the observer.

Making up his mind that he wants to get a glance at what is doing this to Cath before confronting her Warrick looks in the direction Cath is so intently focused on. What he sees in a way amazes him, but in another sense turns on a light bulb in his head and it seems to make a little sense. Standing in the DNA lab examining results is Sara. **"Cath, I know this isn't my place, but I have never seen you act quite like this, and it makes me worry. What is going on between you two?"**

Snapping out of her trance, **" It is nothing just a small fight we had. I'm worried I might have gone too far with Sara this time. Don't worry I will be fine. Hey, do you think you can handle this case alone tonight? I'm really out of it. I need to find a way to apologize to Sara, and I really need to get some sle.."**

**"Say no more I want you to leave right now. I've got this. I will have the report on your desk by Monday."** Catherine gives him a hug before she leaves and send him the biggest smile she can muster, but it does nothing to diminish the emotions that rarely shade over her face. Warrick watches after her with a look of brotherly concern.

Deliberately Catherine takes the long way to the locker room trying to get a feel for Sara's demeanor. She feels a lump rising in her throat as she looks at the young brunette, and realizes that even if she wants to talk to Sara in person it would not be possible without breaking down._ I will not lose our friendship over this. I messed this up, and I must fix it. I don't know exactly why I feel this strongly about this, and I could stand and contemplate it all day. I have seen the shielded side of Sara, and now I have seen a side I know rarely anyone sees. She is one of the kindest and most unselfish people I have ever met. I don't want to go back to our old ways. They don't seem right anymore and I will do whatever it takes to fix what is broken. _Catherine opens her locker, and searches it until she finds a pad of paper and pen buried underneath everything on the shelf. Sitting she begins to write:

_**Sara,**_

_**I still want to talk to you. I am not going to let our friendship end so quickly over any issue no matter how big. I will do whatever it takes because I care about you and can't bear to lose a friend like you already. I am going to talk Grissom into letting you off shift early so that you aren't ready to drop when I hopefully see you. Come over to my place for coffee when you are done with work. You don't have to worry about any disturbances, or eavesdroppers, because Linzz is spending tonight with her aunt. Please come. -Cath**_

_Oh shit ! Lindsay I am supposed to pick her up!_ Catherine rushes out of the room deciding to call Grissom on the way to Lindsay's school. Not paying any attention she runs right into Sara. Before Cath can even comprehend what has happened Sara is practically running in the opposite direction. Hoping that Sara's actions didn't mean she wouldn't show up Catherine left the lab. Calling Grissom she managed to get him to let Sara off even though he was already short of staff. Catherine picked up Linzz, dropped her off at her aunt's, stopped at the store to buy some vegetables for Sara to snack on, and entered her house completely exhausted.

This doesn't stop her though because she has to clean up the house before Sara comes. Being a typical teenager Linzz leaves things all over the house and Catherine is the one who has to pick them up. Knocking at the door stops Catherine in her tracks. She can feel her heart beat quickening and butterflies forming in her stomach. Opening the door she finds Sara looking very tired. If Cath had not had her back to Sara as she entered the house she would have noticed that the brunette is stumbling, but she was busy doing something else.** "Do you want some coffee?"**

**"No."**

**"Okay, what about something to eat." **_So she isn't sounding so happy, and I don't blame her._

**"No thanks."**

**"Let's go into the living room."**

**"Okay."**

As Sara walks into the room she is greeted by the familiar features that she has seen so frequently in the past few days. The walls are a clean white, the wrap around couch is placed against the wall furthest from the entrance, and a huge flat screen TV is in front of the middle wall. Pictures of the two Willows girls can be seen from every angle. Sara sits on the furthest end of the couch, but as soon as Cath comes to sit next to her she stands having mixed reasoning for her actions. She walks across the room and leans on the wall facing Catherine. Avoiding Catherine's gaze Sara knows she should at least explain**, "Cath no offense, but I don't really want to be close to you right now, or have you touching me**."

**"Okay please listen to me though**." Catherine tries to catch Sara's gaze. The only reply to her words is a raised eyebrow, and clenching of the jaw**. "Sara I can't thank you enough for the times you have taken care of me when I was vulnerable. I trusted you, and you have never let me down, but never before had I had the chance to see your soft side. Now most of that is my fault and I will own up to it. I really like you Sara and I want to be your friend. I know we could be the best of friends if we would let our shields down to each other. Only to each other if that is what you chose or I choose. I know you won't believe me but I never meant to hurt..."**

**"Hurt me? You never meant to hurt me? No now it is your turn to listen**," Sara's voice is cold but full of emotion. It hasn't been raised yet, but Catherine knows whatever Sara has to say is probably going to cut her like a knife**. " Shit Cat! You never meant to hurt me? Because you did. You could have damn well fooled me over the digs and the fights for all of these years. I was willing to give you a chance many times I hoped you would accept the invitation. But fuck! I should have known better. I waited around for you when you were in a nice mood waiting to see if I could see a speck of the human everyone in the lab talked about and loved. I kept my distance and waited every time you turned me down. Even at your worst times you would barely let me in to help you. I know that I have put walls up around myself, but I have tried frantically to take them down every time a saw a chance to reach your soft side. I have finally realized after all these years of being told I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth it that I DO NOT DESERVE THIS! You are exactly the same as Grissom whether you like to admit it or not. Maybe you're not emotionless to everyone, but it sure does take a damn lot to get even an ounce of your affection! I don't know why I haven't realized this before, but I have had it."** She then walks out of the room, and Catherine chases her. Grabbing her wrist Catherine tries to get Sara to stop.

**" Sara wai..."** Catherine can smell it now. All over Sara it has worked itself into her hair and clothes.** "Have you been drinking? You are not going anywhere."** Anger flashes through Sara, and she whips around. The monster that has been crawling beneath her skin since she took that first sip surfaces. She has the sudden urge to hit Catherine, but she must control herself. She won't turn into the two people she hates most in the world. Her parents. Advancing as she begins to talk she almost has Catherine backed into the corner. The blonde looks so defenseless, and tries to hide her fear but it is in plain sight to Sara. She feeds on it, soaks it in. It makes her urge more tempting with every look at Catherine's face.

**"Now you care!!"** Before she even summons the will to stop herself, or comprehends what is happening Sara watches her own hand come out in front of her and crash into Catherine's jaw causing the smaller woman to lose balance and falls against the wall.

Catherine's face burns, and she can taste the blood in her mouth . She can feel it trickling down her face. Sara gasps and steps back then dashes to the door.

**"Hey you are not driving anywhere like this Sara! Come back here and give me your damn keys!"** Catherine's words don't matter, because Sara is almost to the door. Catherine runs and jumps on Sara's back trying to hinder her. She can feel hot tears streaming down her arm. The sudden weight makes Sara lurch and Catherine's side is slammed into the counter. Catherine lets out a muffled moan. Her weight doesn't stop Sara. Sara opens the door, but when attempting the steps stumbles and loses her balance, but catches herself. **"Give me the God damn keys!"**

**"Please just let me go."**

**"No."** At the same time each night the sprinklers come on in front of Catherine's house. Sara slips on the wet grass, and both women come crashing down. Catherine is the first to her knees; soaking wet she struggles trying to pin Sara down long enough to get her keys. She manages to get the keys right before Sara pushes Catherine off of her. Trying to crawl away to hide the keys Catherine doesn't make it far before Sara lunges putting all of her weight on Catherine's leg to stop her. Pains shoot up Catherine's leg and she tries her hardest not to but the pain is getting worse by the second and she screams in agony. Looking back she sees Sara and watches her face change from a look of determination, to a look of fear as she lets go of Catherine. Sara's eyes had been so distant as if she was trapped in some other time or some other place, but now the only thing in them was guilt.**"You're staying in the guest room until you sleep it off."** Catherine winces as more pains streak from her ankle through her leg; she still tastes iron in her mouth as the blood continues to trickle due to being knocked in the mouth again while wrestling. Sara doesn't say anything only nods. She moves to help Catherine,** "No, I can do it myself,"** and Catherine crawls back into the house.

Sara heads to the guest room and as soon as her head hits the pillow she is out. Exhausted Catherine knows she won't get any sleep tonight so she crawls to the counter and sets Sara's keys on it. Walking on her knees will hurt, but Catherine can't stand or walk or pain would knock her out so she walks on her knees to the kitchen and is grateful her liquor cabinet is down low. She makes herself a drink then goes into the living room. Curling up the best she can under a blanket Catherine sits there feeling the blood on her face drying, cheek stinging, ankle screaming in pain, every muscle in her body protesting movement, and water is dripping from her hair down her back, but she ignores it all. Taking a sip of her drink she is lost in her mind as she stares off into space.

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TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

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Sara wakes up in confusion as she looks around the unfamiliar room. She realizes she is at Catherine's, but can't remember how she had ended up spending the night. The last thing she can recall is going home after receiving Catherine's letter to shower, and have a few beers before she went over to the blonde's. She must have had more to drink then she thought she had. She is sore everywhere, but doesn't know what she did to feel this way and she starts to get more worried by the minute.

Walking down the hallway the first things Sara takes note of is the contents of the counter are strewn all over the floor, and the coat hanger and all of its belongings have been knocked to the floor. Her keys are sitting on the empty counter, but Sara leaves them for a desperate need to find Catherine has taken control of her. Butterflies are caged in her stomach as she realizes something could have happen while she was passed out in the guest room last night, and Catherine may have been taken. Her nerves are eased at the sight of Catherine's hand resting on the arm of the couch. Walking in Sara is shock at the sight of Catherine's appearance. She is lost deep in thought, her arms and hands are covered in dirt. Every part of her exposed skin is covered in cuts and bruises Sara can't bear to imagine what it looks like underneath the dirt and clothes. One of her ankles is propped up; it is badly bruised and swollen, even more shocking is Catherine's face though through the dirt Sara can see a large bruise has formed, and blood is caked from her mouth to her chin on the same side. Tears stream down her face and they have made a trail smearing dirt and blood revealing more that lay beneath. Her eyes are bloodshot form crying, huge bags have formed beneath them, and the emotions splayed across her face are too many, and too complex to identify even one. Sara notices that her clothes are almost as grass stained and dirty as Catherine's. There aren't as many bruises though, but these things quickly slip her mind.

Suddenly she starts to have flashbacks of the night before, first she thinks they are memories of her dream, but then the realization of what she has done to Catherine hits her hard. She can feel vomit rising in her throat as she rushes to the bathroom. As she waits for more to come she feels tears sliding down her face. She pulls herself together, and goes and gets ice out of the freezer for Catherine's ankle; it is obvious Catherine hasn't eaten anything and Sara doesn't blame her, but makes her something to eat. Avoiding Catherine's stare she places the ice on her ankle, food and soda's on the table next to her, and the phone and remote on Catherine's lap then grabs her keys and leaves.

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Sara pulls into a convenient store on the way home, and picks up two cases of beer plus two bottles of something stronger. _Fuck! How the hell could I have done that? I vowed I wouldn't turn into them, but look what I have done. Maybe Grissom was lying to make me feel better. There must be a murder gene._ Sara gets in the car and grabs a beer, she is ready to drink this away alone in her apartment. Drink everything away her past, her future, Catherine, and her feelings. All she wants is to be numb again. But she can't because she must do something first no matter how much she doesn't want to. She has to force herself to face her actions again. She picks up her cell phone and calls the last person she wants to talk to. **"Hello?"**

"**How is your ankle?"**

"**The swelling has gone down a little."**

"**Can I take you to the hospital?"**

"**No, I called my mom, and she has agreed to take me."**

"**She can't see you like that."**

"**I'll take a shower."**

"**How do you plan to do that when you can't even stand?"**

"**I'll manage."**

"**I'm coming over to help you."** There is a silence and, Sara can hear Catherine taking deep breaths. She can imagine the tears running down the blonde's face. Tears rush to Sara's eyes and guilt floods her senses. **"I'll be there in five minutes."** Hanging up the phone Sara takes another long drink of her beer, and makes her way to Catherine's. When she pulls into the driveway Sara searches her car until she has found some gum, and puts it in her mouth.

Sara walks into the living room, and Catherine watches as horror flashes over the brunette's face. The bruises have become darker, and are illuminated by the morning light. She can't believe she has done this to Catherine. Catherine of all people. Sara goes and turns on the water in the giant Jacuzzi tub Catherine has in her private bathroom. She searches the other bathroom and finds the bubbles she was looking for then Sara goes and adds them to the water.

Going into the living room Sara tries to help Catherine to her feet but the older woman screams in pain at the slightest pressure on her ankle. So Sara picks her up trying to be careful of Catherine's fragile skin and sore body. She struggles to carry Cath in this position, but refuses to let on to her difficulties.

Catherine feels hot tears on her arms and looks down at Sara as she tries not to shift her weight in the woman's arms as Sara carries her down the hall. Tears are streaming down Sara's cheeks as she stares at the damage she has done to Catherine's face. **"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry Cat."** She keeps whispering this to Catherine as she brings the blonde to her room. Sara passes Catherine her robe, and leaves the room.

Catherine takes off her clothes and throws them on the floor as she slips on her robe. Her whole body hurts, but she refuses to make a sound no matter how bad the pain is. She hopes the water will help soothe her aching muscles. _I don't know what to do. I want to be alone. I don't want Sara touching me right now. All I want to do is lie in bed and hold my daughter close to me. But there is nothing I can do; Sara is right, my mom can't see me like this._** "Sara, I'm done."**

The lanky brunette comes out of the bathroom, and picks Catherine up again. As she walks into the bathroom she gets a glimpse of herself in the mirror, _Shit! The guy at the store must have thought I was mugged or something. I look like shit. I should, I deserve it._ Sara doesn't want to invade Catherine's privacy any more than she already has. Sara is trying not to make Catherine uncomfortable by having to be naked in front of her, but for the life of her Sara cannot figure out how to do that, and get Catherine in the tub.** "How do you want to do this?"**

**"Ummm... well I guess I can balance on one foot in the water. If you can hold me up I can take of the robe and get into the tub."**

**"Okay."** Catherine appreciates that Sara is trying to give her privacy, but it doesn't ease her feelings at all. She hears Sara take a deep breath at the sight the black and blue that runs all the way up her side.** "I'm going to go get something out of my car. Then I'll wait in the living room. Yell if you need anything."**

Catherine hears the door slam behind Sara. She tries to get more comfortable, but her body screams in protest at the slightest movement. _What the hell am I supposed to do about this? I'm already doing something stupid to numb the pain that I would never admit to. I am careful, but stupid. I have Linzz to think about. I barely take her into consideration when I need to be numb. The stress gets overwhelming sometimes and I can't fight the urge, but now I want to help Sara too. There is obviously more than she lets on to eating away at her. I don't know how to get past this though. It is Sara's call depending on how much she trusts herself and what she wants._ Catherine hears Sara come back in slamming the door again.** "Sara?"**

**"I'll be right there. Are you okay?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Okay then. Give me a minute alright?"**

**"Okay."** Sara comes in carrying a glass of orange juice, but Catherine has a strong feeling that's not all that is in the glass.** "Can you pass me my shampoo, razor, and soap?"**

**"Sure" **Picking up the items Sara gets a whiff of vanilla which she loves so much, and Catherine smells what she has been dreading. Alcohol. It floats around Sara as she passes Catherine the objects. Sara sits on the toilet cover waiting to help Catherine out of the tub. She stares into the bubbles lost in thought._ How did I allow myself to become so much like them? What the hell? I never have wanted to hurt Cath this way so why did I? After this I have to get as far away as possible from her; the only problem with that is the papers for my change to Swing should be finalized soon._ Tears start to pour down her face, and she takes another drink of the orange juice and vodka then another, and another. She can feel Catherine's gaze on her and she covers her face with her hands trying to hide the tears.

**"Sara, please stop drinking. You still have to drive home, and I can't try to stop you this time."** Sara looks up. Catherine can see the fear in her eyes, but it is not directed at her, her wounds, or Sara herself. It seems to be directed at something only Sara can see, and she is staring it in the face. What it is, Cath can't even begin to guess.

Snapping out of it questions pop into Sara's mind.**"What time will your mom be here?"**

**"Noon-ish."**

**"Did you tell her what happened?"**

**"No, I told her I was over exerting myself. Trying to do things around the house and fell off a chair when I was attempting to get something from the top shelf."** Catherine left out the part about how her mom lectured her for the next twenty minutes on how she needs a man in the house. Until Catherine told her she had to go because there was someone trying to call her, and that it might be work.

**"We should probably get you out of there so you have time to get ready."**

**"Okay."** Grabbing the robe Sara closes her eyes feeling Catherine's wet body in her arms as the blonde slips into the light fabric. Sara's heart starts to beat wildly, and the attraction comes flooding back to Sara, but she easily gets rid of it as it repulses her this time. Sara picks out clothes for Catherine that will cover all of the bruises on her body. Catherine hops on one foot with Sara's help to the mirror to put on cover-up, make-up, perfume, and brush her hair and teeth. Sara then helps her onto the bed and goes to find everything Catherine might possibly need until her mom gets here. By the time she makes it back into the room Catherine has fallen asleep. Quietly Sara places the things beside her on the stand and bed. Leaving the door unlocked for Lily, Sara gets in her car and leaves.

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**"This is one of the worse sprains I've seen so far Ms. Willows. You are lucky it isn't broken."** The doctor is standing with his back to Catherine examining her x-rays. She can't help but noticing how good looking he is.** "I'll give you a prescription for some pain meds, and you will be on crutches for a couple of weeks. You will need to take it easy for the next couple of days before you start working non-stop, even desk work. So I advise you go home Ms. Willows and rest."**

**"Please call me Catherine. A few weeks? How am I supposed to examine the scenes on crutches? I will disturb and compromise evidence. Are you sure I can't be off the crutches any sooner? I need to be out in the field we are running short on staff."**

**"You should at least be on them for a few weeks, but if you want to have it take longer to heal you can be off the crutches as soon as you like. Driving will be fine and you said you were supervisor, isn't there paperwork involved in there somewhere Ms. Willows?"** Dr. Smith was giving her an innocent and playful smile.

**"That's great, just great."** Dr. Smith chuckles; he can't help noticing how stunning Ms. Willows is.

**"I'm going to give you my card it has all the numbers of where you can reach me if you need anything at all, Catherine."** He winks at her before leaving the room._ Well that is defiantly something to look forward to after I get off these crutches,_ Catherine smiles to herself.

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Catherine gets home in time to get settled on the couch before Linzz gets back. Linzz had spent the past few hours at a friend's. When Cath had called Nancy to see if Linzz could stay a couple more hours so Catherine could go to the hospital it was arranged. She is bull rushed by her daughter, and locked in a bone crushing hug.** "What happened?"**

**"Nothing important sweetie pea. Can you please be careful honey I'm a little sore?" **Catherine understands her daughter's fear. Ever since Eddie died about seven years ago in a flash flood Lindsay has been scared to death of losing her mom.

It hadn't stopped her from rebelling though, until she was abducted, about four months ago. The man had first drugged Catherine at a bar and left her in a hotel room to wake up wondering if she was raped. Then the next day he had rammed Catherine's car and took Lindsay from the back seat. This was all to get to Catherine's father. One of the most famous creators of the gambling chain, Vegas, and former mobsters; Sam Braun. After Linzz was found he shot Sam in the chest killing him. When Catherine thought she had been raped she had turned to Sara, and when Eddie was killed she trusted Sara. Lindsay now almost never leaves Catherine's side except to go to school and occasionally a friends or family member's house. Only when Lindsay is certain her mother will be safe.

**"I shouldn't have left you."**

**"No baby it isn't your fault. There is nothing you could have done to stop me from getting hurt whether you were here or not."**

**"What happened? Why wouldn't I have been able to stop it?"**

**"I was trying to handle too much at once like usual."** Linzz doesn't look convinced at all, but knows better than to force it out of her mom.

**"Okay."** Cath kisses Linzz on the head and watched her walk to her room.

**"Hey baby? Do you want to watch a movie with me later?"**

**"Yeah,"** Lindsay turns around. She has tears in her eyes.**" Mommy, are you sure you are going to be okay?"** Looking at Lindsay Catherine's heart begins to break.

**"Come here,"** Catherine pulls Linzz right next to her and hugs her as tight as she can, kissing the girl's cheek repeatedly, and brushes away the tears. **"You never have to worry about me leaving sweetie. No matter what happens to us in this life I will always be by your side. Nothing can separate me from you, and if life tries to we will beat it. I will always be here for you like you are for me. I love you so much baby you are my world, and I would never leave you for anything or anyone."** Catherine rests her head on Lindsay's as Lindsay curls up closer to her. Catherine refuses to let out even a hint of pain as her daughter presses down on the bruises that cover her body.

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TBC...

Feedback please


	3. Chapter 3

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Catherine goes back to the lab on Monday to discover a mountain of paperwork on her desk. Groaning she decides to go find Warrick and see how the case on the little boy is going. She tries to catch up to him in the hall but her crutches slow her down considerably.** "Hey Warrick, slow down!"** When he turns to face her Catherine sees the shock on his face at the sight of her crutches. Since that is the only thing he is concerned about she figures she did a pretty good job hiding her bruises.

**"Shit Cath, what happened?"**

**It's what I get for over exerting myself and trying to do five things at once."** She smiles at him trying to ease his fears. She will never tell anyone what really happened. That would be stupid. She would never do that to Sara no matter how many times she is asked what happened.

**"Well hell girl why are you chasing me down the hall? You should be sitting down. I'll come on back to your office with you."** He follows her into her office. **"Now what is it that you wanted so much you were about to kill yourself on those crutches?"**

**"Well one to get away from this paperwork, and two I wanted to see how the case with the little boy is coming."**

**"Pretty good. We have an ID his name is Jonathan Chase. There is a broadcast out for both his parents who we believe have fled the scene of a homicide, and then a hit in run in the state over."**

"**That's good. Keep me posted okay? You better go I think I can see Ecklie coming this way. What a nice way to start my day."** Laughing Warrick leaves not wanting to have to deal with Ecklie himself.

**"Catherine there is a rumor going on around here that you came in today on crutches."** Ecklie comes in looking down at a report not paying any attention to Catherine.

**"Why good morning to you to Ecklie, and that is no rumor."** He finally looks up. Nothing is on his face that was like the others. No concern or worry not hint at all, but Catherine is not surprised.

**"Why are you here? You could have called in I wouldn't have cared."**

**"I needed to get out of the house."**

**"Okay, but you are confined to your office, and call someone if you need anything."**

**"Figures. Okay I will."**

Ecklie walks out with no good bye which is typical Ecklie. He doesn't really care about Catherine's health; he cares about himself and the lab looking good. She glazes at the pile of work and sighs,_ so much for procrastinating. How come every time I'm forced to take time off __work the crime rate soars and there is then a never ending pile of papers on my desk?_ Catherine starts the paperwork thinking about the long week ahead of her.

Catherine has been doing paperwork all week, and she has finally managed to make a dent in it. She stumbles across something that yanks her out of paper land and back to reality. It is the form she must sign in order for Sara to join Swing. Catherine realizes she hasn't heard from or seen Sara all week and her stomach tightens as she thinks about talking to Sara again. Texting everyone she asks if anyone has seen or heard from Sara this week. Almost every reply is no except for Grissom who says she called in and she was going to use some of her vacation time. Catherine knows it is dangerous for her to be alone with Sara when she is drinking, but Catherine can't bring herself to believe Sara would intentionally hurt her. Last time she saw Sara it wasn't really Sara who had inflicted all the pain upon Catherine, but something inside her. That something is what Catherine wants to help Sara with even if it puts her in danger. Catherine replies to Gil's text by asking for Sara's address.

Pulling up outside the apartment building Catherine is anxious but at the same time relieved to see Sara's car there. She can hear her pulse in her ears as she is in the elevator turning the key back and forth that Grissom gave her to return.

As the elevator doors open Catherine takes a deep breath and exits. She has no problem finding Sara's apartment number. She feels a weird protection in the fact that Sara doesn't know she is coming before hand, but at the same time knows that Sara could of had way more to drink than last time Cath saw her. Knocking there is no answer so Catherine tries the door; it is unlocked. Walking in she is greeted by a deep, warming purple of the walls. Landscape paintings line the walls and there is a puffy couch and chair in the center of the living room. This is not what Catherine expected Sara's house to look like, but yet again she doesn't really know Sara that well. The thing that disturbs Catherine is there are at least forty empty beer and alcohol bottles scattered around the apartment. Catherine knows this is way too much for Sara's fragile frame even over a five day period** "Sara**?"

Catherine can hear the TV on in the other room, but Sara doesn't reply. Walking toward the noise she sees Sara passed out on her bed. A protective motherly instinct has kicked in, in Catherine's heart. She wants to save Sara from her demons. Take Sara under her wing and teach the younger woman how to cope, and what having a loving family again is like. She goes over and rests her hand on Sara's shoulder whispering in her ear**, "Sara can you hear me**?" The brunette shifts on the bed, but doesn't wake up. This is the sign Catherine is looking for. She wanted to make sure Sara wasn't in danger of alcohol poisoning. Sara's movements suggest she is only sleeping. Cath knows it is probably better to let her sleep it off then trying to wake the younger woman to talk_. I want Sara to know I was here, and know that I care even if it makes her mad. Maybe it is time to try walking without the crutches for a while_.

Leaning her crutches against the chair Catherine tests out her ankle; it still hurts but not as bad. Limping she gets started on all the work she has to do.

Before she leaves she goes back into the room and kisses Sara on the forehead.

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Sara wakes up feeling like her head is dangerously close to splitting open. She stumbles out into her living room to discover all the bottles are gone and the whole room is clean. Looking over the counter into the kitchen it has been cleaned too. She goes over to her alcohol cabinet and finds the little that was left in there is gone. _What the fuck?_ She notices new piece of paper on the refrigerator.

_**The papers have been signed. You are now officially on Swing. I expect to see you tonight on shift. I have a proposal for you I will see you then.-Catherine**_

_Oh shit this is just great. This is just how she needed to see me. Well at least now I know what happened to all my drinks; they probably went down the drain. That stubborn bitch. That doesn't seem to stop me from loving her though. Psh..._ Sara goes and gets ready to go back to work.

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Catherine had to stop and talk to Lindsay before heading into shift that night. She felt their talk went well and hopes the other half of her plan will go just as well. Limping into the station she keeps her eyes out for Sara. She is going to catch that stubborn brunette before she has the chance to run the opposite way and hide. She spots Sidle coming down the hall and slightly limping goes up to her.

**"We have a four nineteen out by Lake Mead, let's go."** Sara is startled by the blonde who seems to have appeared out of thin air. Knowing better than to protest the partnering situation Sara follows Catherine out of the building.

**"Should I drive?"**

**"Nope I've got it."**

The drive to Lake Mead usually takes ten to fifteen minutes with the lights on. Sara looks at the clock and sees they have almost been in the car for thirty minutes. **"Hey Catherine where is this crime scene?"**

**"There isn't one."**

**"What?"** Sara's heart has just jumped into her throat.

"**It's a slow night and I want to show you something."**

**"Okay."** Catherine pulls over to the side of the road, and Sara can see a path leading into the woods. She follows Catherine, and is awestruck as they come out onto a cliff that is surrounded by plants. There moon is full, and she can see all of Vegas.

**"Wow."**

**"Yeah I know. Come sit with me."** Catherine takes a deep breath as Sara comes to sit on the ledge beside her. She has the urge to treat Sara as a daughter when bringing up this topic, but fears the brunette's reaction. She will have to restrain herself, but that doesn't mean she can't be super nice to the other woman as her mothering instincts start kicking in.

Catherine keeps her eyes on Sara as she stares out at Vegas.**" Sara, sweetie?"**Sara looks over at Catherine . Shock is displayed on her face. Catherine rarely ever uses sweet or loving terms toward her.** "I was thinking maybe you could come stay at my house for a while, and we could work through your drinking problem together."**

**"Why would you want to waste your time on..."**

**"Don't finish the sentence. You are more than worth my time."** Catherine smiles at Sara as each of them remember some of the first kind words to slip from Sara's lip just a few weeks ago.**"I want to help you. I have seen you when you drink; it is not you in that head. Looking into your eves you are completely lost behind something. I want to help you, and I need your help too."**

**"With what?"**

**"When I'm stressed I..."** Catherine cannot get the words to form in her mouth. Sara watches her struggle. She knows the feeling well, and never wants to force anyone to tell her anything they don't want to unless they are a suspect.

**"When you're ready Cat I'll be waiting to listen, but I can tell now isn't the time to tell me about it. I...I don't want to hurt you again. I don't know what came over me that night, but I'm afraid to get near you. I don't think I could stay with you even if it was my deepest desire."**

**"Please Sara I need you as much as I think you need me. It will be good for you. I won't let you drink no matter how much you beg, please? Lindsay is okay with it we talked. She really loves you."**

**"Cat I don't think it is the best id..."**

**"Please sweetie pie?"**

**"Okay, but only for a little while."**

Relief floods over Catherine as Sara starts to give in, but she is still stubborn and independent as she starts to work in her own terms. It is something Catherine will have to live with.**"Okay,"** Catherine replies smiling at Sara, then she gives her a quick hug before they head back to Catherine's car.

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TBC …

feedback please


	4. Chapter 4

After shift Sara and Catherine go back to Sara's place so she can get her stuff for Catherine's. When they arrived at Catherine's house Sara watches as a miniature Catherine whips past her toward her mom. Catherine stumbles a little as the impact of her daughter's weight hits her. Sara sees the silent wince of pain on Catherine's face, but she won't let on to her daughter that she is hurting.

Sara thinks it is best to leave the two alone so she goes to put her stuff in the guest room. She turns to go back out to the kitchen and is face to face with Catherine, who is beaming at her. Catherine pulls Sara into a hug and they stand there for a while. Both soaking in each other's heat; it feels so right for both of them, and Catherine is disappointed when Sara pulls away. Their bodies fit together perfectly. Catherine only makes it up to Sara's shoulder, but her curves mold into Sara's body. Catherine doesn't let on when Sara pulls away that she wishes Sara hadn't.**"Thanks for coming to stay hun."** Sara doesn't wanted to pull away, but her heart is racing, and she is struggling to control her erratic breathing. She is afraid Catherine will notice so she returns to her bag and starts unpacking.

**"It's no problem. If you need me I'm always going to be here for you. Even if I had wanted to say no I couldn't have. You gave me no choice,"** Sara smiles letting Catherine know that is a good thing. Sara wants to pull Catherine into another hug, but is afraid of how the blonde will react if she initiates the contact. Together they walk out into the living room and it is Sara's turn to almost be knocked over by Lindsay.**" Hey Linzz, how are you doing?"** Sara bends down a little and gives her a kiss on the top of the head. Lindsay isn't that small anymore she is about as tall as her mother, but that means Sara still has to bend over if she wants to look into the girls face when they are so close

**"I'm doing pretty good. Mom said you are coming to spend some time with us. We are going to have fun. Do you want to come watch Family Guy with me?"**

**"Yeah I love that sho..."** Sara catches the strict look on Catherine's face and understands what she wants right away.** "Have you done your homework yet?"**

**"You sound just like mom."**

**"Ah yes, but you see I don't want to get in trouble with your mother. We both know how scary she can be so we should probably both do what she wants so we don't get on her bad side." **Sara smiles at Catherine and winks then looks down at Linzz, and throws on a questioning face.

**"I only have math left,"** she says smiling at Sara. **"Mom please! The show is only half an hour then I will go and finish my work."**

Looking at her daughter Catherine can't say no,** " Okay sweetie, but finish it right after the show okay? Oh and is pizza okay for dinner tonight? I don't have anything without meat for Sara to eat yet."**

**"Yeah of course, and I promise I will do my work right after."** They leave the room and Catherine sits at the table pulling out a file she wanted to go over. Even though she has been sitting at her desk all day long for a little over a week she is still behind in paperwork, and she needs to catch up. After sitting there for a while Cath looks up, and decides to catch the last ten minutes of the show with the other two.

When she goes to enter the room her heart melts Sara is there curled around Linzz, and they are laughing together. Catherine loves how Sara is with Linzz even though she isn't always the best with kids. It is obvious Sara loves Lindsay and it makes Catherine so happy to see the joy her daughter can bring to the brunette.

Catherine goes and curls up on the other side of Linzz, and is careful not to make contact with Sara who seems to be uncomfortable when touched for a long time by her. Catherine knows Sara has feelings for her, but she is pretty sure those are probably starting to fade since Catherine is intent on making her life hell by taking away alcohol to save her. Sara looks over Linzz and smiles her adorable gap toothed smile at Catherine.

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Sara starts to sink into a routine and tries to pull herself out of it. She has a family to go home to now and everyday when she gets off shift she can't wait to see Linzz and give her a hug. Yet the urge for alcohol has not left her system. She craves it every time she looks at Cath.

**"Hey I'm gonna go out tonight. Do you think you could watch Linzz?"** Looking up into Catherine's face she looks so happy Sara has no choice in her answer, because she could never bare to be the one that takes the glow away from Catherine.

**" Yeah sure, it will be fun."**

**"Thanks."** It does not escape Catherine's the way that Sara's appearance suddenly changes at the question, and how she quickly she turned her back toward Cath. Walking across the room Catherine lays a hand on Sara's back, but Sara won't turn around so Catherine hugs her back. Sara feels Catherine's breasts against her back, and it doesn't help her situation at all. When Sara relaxes some Catherine slips into her arms and stands there holding Sara as close as she possibly can. "** What is wrong sweetie?"**

**"It's nothing for you to worry about. Go have some fun. Who is the lucky guy?"** Sara rests her head on top of Catherine's.

**"He's a doctor."**

**"Mmmmm...nice choice."** Catherine chuckles in her sexy way that makes Sara's stomach do a back flip. Sara is reluctant to let go of Catherine. She knows the women's choice in men has not always been the best, and it scares the hell out of her the way Catherine uses her sexuality to control people; she doesn't want to see it happen to Catherine. Sara sees the same actions used by strangers every day, and many times it leads to murder.

Linzz and Sara examine this new man from around the corner. Both feeling protective, both women wanting to grab the sexy blonde and hide her away from the world. It is a stressful night for both Sara and Linzz. They decided to stay up on the couch and wait for Catherine, but they both fall asleep in the reassurance of each other.

Catherine quietly slips in the door, and discovers Linzz and Sara sleeping on the couch. She presses her lips against each of their foreheads, and covers them up. She is just about to leave the room when she hears a quiet voice behind her. **"How was it?"** Sara tries to be as quiet as possible being careful not to wake the sleeping girl in her arms.

**"I didn't mean to wake you."**

**"Its fine Cat. So how was your night?"**

**"It was good, great actually. George is a great guy."**

Sara's heart is tearing as she listens to Catherine, but she won't let it show.** "What did you two end up doing?"**

**"We went to dinner, and then dancing. I haven't had this much fun in so long it felt so good."** Catherine is beaming. The truth is Sara hasn't seen Catherine this happy ever, and she won't be the one to bring her back down into the depths of sorrow and pity.

**"That sounds great Cat. Do you want to try to get Linzz in her room or what?"**

**"We can just leave her there tonight she won't mind. Here I'll move her over so that you can get out from under her."**

**"Thanks. See you in the morning." **Walking out of Sara hopes this relationship will last for Cath's sake. She is so happy.

Work has taken its toll on Sara this week. There are too many cases that bring back the nightmares. Then Catherine has gone out every night this week. _She has probably had sex every night this week. She gives her body away so quickly to people who don't even appreciate it or her in any way. I need a drink; I don't care what Catherine says._ Sara and Linzz have given up waiting for Catherine to come home they just go along with life using each other for support. Sara sees how much Catherine's actions are killing her daughter, and she has no doubt that Linzz has come to many of the same conclusions Sara has.

Catherine couldn't be happier. She is having some of the best sex of her life, and she is wanted by someone for more than her body. Every night when she gets home she plants a kiss on Sara and Linzz's foreheads, and goes to bed. Life is being nice to her, and nothing can bring her down back into the depths of misery.

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**"I'm going to go for a jog,"** Sara informs Catherine Saturday morning. They are sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the silence before Lindsay wakes up.

**"Okay have fun sweetie."** Catherine not thinking leans across the table and brushes her lips against Sara's head. Sara's eyes become large in shock, and Catherine realizes what she has done. She has never kissed Sara's head while she was awake, and maybe she had gone too far in showing affection. **"I'm sorry Sara. I went too far. I shouldn't have; it's just it has become a habit. When I come home at night I kiss your head just like with Linzz. I'm sorry."**

**"No Cat, it's not a bad thing. I was shocked that's all. You've never really shown that much affection toward me before it was surprising. I didn't mind it; I like it actually. Don't stop because of my reaction."**

**"Okay."** Sara leaves for her jog feeling guilty that she is still going through with her plan after Cath had showed how much she cares. She jogs to a convenient store about a mile down the road, and stops in and buys a twenty-four pack of beer. She drinks a few before jogging back to Cath's and hiding the left over beer in some bushes in front of the house before heading up the driveway.

Catherine goes into the kitchen and sees Sara putting something in a bush in front of the house then Sara comes inside. **"How was your run?"**

**"It was good. I need a shower**_."_ Sara gets into the shower before Catherine can come any closer to her. She knows the smell of alcohol is probably floating around her. Catherine curious of Sara's actions goes outside to examine the object that Sara placed in the bushes, and is not happy with what she sees.

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Sara opens the shower curtain and suppresses a scream as she finds Catherine sitting on the toilet waiting for her. **"Shit you scared me!"**

**"Sorry."** Catherine looks upset and angry. Sara's nerves start to kick in; she knows what is coming before it happens. **"I found the beer in the bushes. I thought you weren't drinking anymore Sara? I thought you were doing better."**

**"I only had a few."** The two women are inches apart, and whispering in a way that is sharp, and demands attention, but doesn't allow little ears to hear.

**"A few would be two. I wouldn't be so upset if it was a few. Half the pack was gone Sara! What is making you do this?"**

**"It's been a long week. I've had five domestic abuse cases, and I've watched Linzz cry her eyes out three of the five nights you have been gone. I have tried to comfort her, but I knew it wasn't doing anything. You are too wrapped up with yourself right now to see what is happening around you!"**

**"Don't you dare make this all about Lindsay! This is about you, and you know it. I don't know why domestic cases hit you so hard Sara and I won't until you tell me, but there is something more. Some of this may be about Linzz and I don't doubt it, but there is more to it than her that is eating away at you. Why won't you talk me**?" Sara has had enough and walks out of the room. She gets dressed and wants to be alone, but feels she won't be left alone for long about this_. Catherine doesn't get it, and I can't bring myself to tell her anything. I have always dealt with things on my own. That is until I met Gil, but look how that turned out, and I have been doing things on my own ever since. I'm not Catherine I can't just leave my life open for public view. _Sara feels a warm body up against hers, and looks over at Lindsay. The teenager's eyes are full of concern.

**"Are you okay?"**

**"Yeah sweetie. I am now."**

**"Mommy doesn't always get it, and she can say things that really hurt."**

**"I know sweetie. Why aren't you making sure she is okay?"**

**"I did, but she's not the one who has been helping me for the past week. She has been gone, and you have been here."**

**"I know it's hard Linzz, but like you said sometimes your mom just doesn't get it."** Sara hugs Lindsay and kisses her head. **"Why don't you go check on your mom? I'm sure she needs you more than I do right now okay?"**

**"Okay."**

**"Hey kiddo we still are watching South Park tonight right?"**

**"Yeah, I can't wait it looks hilarious."**

**"Yeah me either sweetie, me either." **Sara watches Linzz leave to go find her mom._ That kid is so much like her mother, but I wonder who has been playing the adult role in this house? Catherine, or Linzz. That girl is mature beyond her years and maybe she's the one who has been taking care of Catherine all these years._

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Sara watches as Catherine shuts the door behind her even after their blow up this morning. After Sara has revealed Lindsay's feelings. Sara doesn't get it, but she is not going to say anything to Catherine.

She's not going to be the one who stabs at Catherine's weakness with a knife every time she is vulnerable. Catherine can keep that role, and Sara can stay as far away from her as possible at those times. Sara and Lindsay watch South Park then Lindsay goes to bed. Sara can't sleep. Her argument with Catherine this morning keeps popping into her head haunting her.

At one Catherine comes in the door, and completely ignores Sara who is sitting on the couch watching TV. Sara catches a glimpse of a fresh bruise on Catherine's face. Rushing out to Catherine she can't stop the woman who is now searching her bathroom for something. Tears are streaming down her face, and anger starts boiling in Sara's veins.** "Jesus, Catherine what did he do to you?"** Catherine only looks up for a brief second to acknowledge Sara before returning to her search. Sara stands there watching her. Catherine finds what see is looking for. Sitting on the edge of the tub she hikes up her skirt.** "What are you do..."** Sara sees the red lines that cover Catherine's inner thigh, and then the razor in her hand. Sara is paralyzed with fear as Catherine starts to cut herself.

Sara finally gets her body to move and grabs the razor from Catherine, and throws it across the floor.** " Sara please don't. Just let me do thi..."**

**"No Catherine I am not going to stand here and watch you hurt yourself."** Sara pulls Catherine into her arms, and walks with her out to the bed where they collapse. Catherine's hot tears scorch Sara's neck, while she holds Catherine tightly to her.** "It's going to be okay sweetie, it's going to be okay,"** Sara repeats in Catherine's ear until grief has finally pulled the blonde into a deep sleep. Sara lets her own tears fall as she holds Catherine trying to protect her from the demons within.

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TBC... feedback please


	5. Chapter 5

Catherine can feels warmth engulfing her, and doesn't want it to go away. Her sleep hasn't been this peaceful since the early days with Eddie, and she isn't ready to open her eyes. She wants stay like this forever. Images start to form in her brain though as she recollects the events of the night before. Opening her eyes she finds herself in Sara's arms looking up she is lost in the concerned brown pools staring back at her. **"Morning."**

**"Morning Cat. How are you feeling?"**

**"I'm a little sore in certain places, but...'**

**"I don't mean physically sweetie."**

**"I'm okay, I guess."**

**"Yeah?" **Sara holds Catherine tighter to her and buries her face in the blonde's hair. **"You scared me. Is that how you do it?"**

**"Do what?"**

**"Numb the pain?"**

**"Yeah it is." **Catherine wraps her arms around Sara as tears start to form in her eyes. **"I'm sorry you had to see that, and I'm sorry I blew up at you yesterday for the beer. If I had really wanted to help you I should have done what you are doing now for me." **They both lay their taking in the other's heat. The silence becomes overwhelming, and that's when Catherine first notices it. **"Linzz isn't up yet?"**

**"Actually I uhhh... I called your mom. She came to get Lindsay and they ran over to your mom's house get her stuff. I invited her to come and stay for a while. I told her that you were having a hard time with some things, and I needed to focus my attention on you, but I was worried about Lindsay. I thought it was best. She can stay in the guest room and I will sleep on the couch. Are you mad?"**

**"You didn't tell her what happened last night did you?"**

**"What? No Cat! That is between you and me only."**

**"Then I'm fine with it, and you can sleep in here with me."**

**"I don't think that's such a good idea. I can just sleep out on the couch."**

**"Why not?"**

**"It's just I... it's just not a good idea."**

**"Sara, I can't help you if you don't let me in."**

**"Cat it's no big..."**

**"You are sleeping in my bed while my mom stays here."**

**"Fine, but I'm the one helping you right now."**

**"We are helping each other**."

Sara looks down at Catherine and smiles**. "Okay**." Catherine buries face in Sara's neck, and Sara rests her head on Catherine's. Catherine goes to move, but Sara decides to ask her something that may let the blonde into her head a little but she doesn't care**. "Can we stay here for a while?"**

**"Yeah sweetie we can**."

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Catherine and Sara make their way out to the living room where they decide to be lazy and watch TV instead of showering and getting dressed. Sara is hesitant to let Catherine out of her sight. They hear the door open and Sara whispers to Catherine,** "You should go put some cover-up on before they come in."** Catherine looks at Sara puzzled. **"You have a giant bruise across the side of your face."** Catherine has completely forgotten what happened before she came home last night, and rushes into the bathroom to put on some make-up. Sara doesn't have to worry as much about Catherine's safety when she is in the bathroom, because after Sara called Lily this morning she went in and took out everything Catherine could possibly uses to hurt herself. **"Hi Lily, how are you doing?"**

**"I'm doing pretty good sweetheart. It is nice to see you again."**

**"It's nice to see you too. Hey sweetie!"** Linzz rushes past her grandma to give Sara a hug. Lily hasn't seen them together before, but is obvious the two have a strong connection. She admires the care that Sara shows and it warms her heart.

**"Hey mom, how are you?"**

**"I could ask you the same thing Catherine, but I won't. I am doing pretty good baby."**

**"That's good. Let me help you with your bags."**

**"Thanks."** Lily watches the interaction between the two older women, because of a comment Linzz had made about how protective they seem of each other lately. This struck an interest in Lily's heart, and she wonders if her daughter realizes that her friendship could be developing into something more. Lily can see it with her own eyes, but neither of the women appears to notice it.

All day Lily watched them. After the two women had gotten ready all of them went out for ice cream. On the ride back from getting ice cream the loving words Catherine and Sara used toward each other and the small touches cued Lily in. Her daughter has always been an affectionate person, but this doesn't appear to be the same, and Lily is worried of the affect it will have on Lindsay. Since she seems to love Sara so much, and if the brunette all of a sudden stopped coming over it would break the girl's heart.

Sara is nervous as she gets into bed, because of her nightmares. The nightmares that can lead her to be violent. She doesn't want to hurt Catherine if she has one. Looking over Catherine is beaming at her, and she rests he hand on the blonde's arm. **"Do you mind if I read?"**

**"No, go ahead."**

**"Thanks. Hey if you need anything tonight, if you are feeling sad, upset, or anything wake me up okay?"**

**"Alright. You will do the same?**

**"Yep. Good night."**

**"Good night." **Catherine rolls over and is soon overtaken by sleep. Sara isn't so lucky. She reads for an hour until finally after patiently waiting sleep takes over her.

Catherine wakes up to Sara thrashing around in bed lost in the depths of a nightmare. She is tangled in the covers, and when Catherine reaches over to her Sara is drenched in cold sweat. Catherine moves over to the brunette and rubs her arm she then places some of her weight on Sara to still her movement and drag her out to reality. Sara's eyes shoot open; she is breathing hard. Catherine can see she is still on the very edge of her dream, and doesn't recognize her surroundings. Catherine whispers in Sara's ear repeatedly,** "Sara, sweetheart it's okay. It's only a dream, it's okay."** Sara's breathing slows and when she looks into Catherine's eyes, she is comforted care in the blonde's blue pools.

**"I'm sorry I woke you up."**

**"It's fine sweetie, are you okay?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Do you want to talk about it?"**

**"No."**

**"Sara..."**

**"Not yet Cat. I will, but not yet."**

**"Okay."** Catherine kisses Sara's cheek then moves off of her, but stays closer to the brunette this time. When Catherine believes Sara is asleep she places her hand on the brunette's stomach protectively in an effort to keep away the dark thoughts swimming around Sara's head.

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_I've worried about Sara all week. She has been having nightmares, and she refuses to talk about them. I know work has been hard, and I think she would feel better if she talked, but she won't. At the same time I am questioning myself, because my mom mentioned how close Sara and I are, and was hinting around that maybe we are something more. She wishes I would just come out and tell her._

_I don't think I have those kinds of feelings for Sara, but now I'm confused. The touching comes naturally, and it feels so right I don't know anymore; maybe I do have feelings for her and I have hidden them. I mean every night before I go to bed I fight the urge to kiss Sara, snuggle up to her, and hold her when she has nightmares. On the other hand I like to cuddle, and two I'm just being protective aren't I? Damn it! I hate when my mother does this to me!_

A case came in that seems there might be more to it, such as domestic abuse, and even though Swing is busy today, and it should be a job for one CSI; the only CSI available is Sara. Catherine doesn't want Sara to go alone.

Catherine studies Sara's demeanor through the corner of her eye as they arrive at the scene. The brunette's jaw is clenched, and she has gone white. Catherine wants to say something to her, but she knows this might cause the blow up that Catherine is trying desperately to avoid. Last time they worked a case together with a hint of domestic abuse it ended up in Sara's suspension. O'Riley meets them at the door**, "The husband says he came home to find his wife dead, but I have my own suspicions due to the hand print on the woman's face, and bruises old and new on her body, but I'll let you form your own opinions**."

Walking in there is cast off on the walls. The smell of iron floods the women's senses, and the body lies severely beaten in the middle of the room. Looking at the husband Sara notices he doesn't look the least bit upset, and she points this out to Catherine. Catherine sees that Sara isn't gaining any color, and is looking more pissed by the second

**"Why don't you process the other rooms hun? I've got this one."**

**"Fine**." Sara walks into the hallway and immediately starts spraying luminol on the walls and floor. If nothing else she is going to nail the son of a bitch for abuse. Half way down the hall the floor lights up and Sara walks down the hall to find the husband**. "Sir, can you come here I found something I need to ask you about**?" The husband walks toward Sara followed closely by Catherine**. "Why is there blood in your hallway on the walls and floor**?" The lighted up remains of blood are starting to fade, but they are still bright enough for the husband, Catherine, and O'Riley to see.

**"My wife had a temper. Sometimes I would have to use force to control her from attacking me. Sometimes the incidents would get more violent than either of us intended."**

**"You see that's not what I think happened. I think you hit her for no reason, often probably to make yourself feel more like a man. What happened this time? Did you go too far? Did it make you feel strong beating up a poor helpless woman?"**

**"You fucking bitch!"** The man lunges at Sara, but O' Riley interferes dragging the husband away. Catherine pulls Sara into the kitchen, and pushes a strand of hair from Sara's face then rests both her hands on Sara's shoulders.

**"Sara what's going on with you?"**

**"Nothing. You saw that he did it! We can't let him get away."**

**"Sara if he did it then we will pile him with evidence, but I am not worried about that right now I am worried about you."**

**"Catherine I'm fine."**

**"You are not fine when you lose your cool like that at a crime scene."**

**"Catherine I've got myself under control! Can we please go back to processing?"**

**"Fine, but we are going to talk about this later."**

**"Okay**." Looking around to make sure no one is watching Catherine kisses Sara's cheek.

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TBC...


	6. Chapter 6

Sara slips into bed. She has had a long day, and all she wants to do is sleep, but Catherine wants to talk. Resting her hand on Sara's shoulder to get her attention Catherine looks into those brown eyes and sees a world of hate and pain. **"Are we going to talk?"**

**"Not right now Cat. Right now I need to sleep."**

**"Why do you keep avoiding this Sara?"**

**"I'm not avoiding it; right now I need to sleep more than talk."**

**"Fine, but I'm not going to drop this so quickly."**

**"Okay, good night."**

**"Good night, you stubborn pain in the ass."** Catherine flashes a beautiful smile at Sara to let her know she is joking; then lays there watching the brunette fall asleep. Catherine is woken up again by Sara's thrashing, and this time a scream. Sara shoots up off the pillow. Catherine can see her fast breathing from where she lays on the bed. Sliding over she wraps her arms around Sara trying to help her through the panic that rushes through the brunette's body**. "Are you okay baby?"**

**"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."**

**"Okay."**

**"Hey Catherine do you remember what you said to me in the hall that day we were arguing about the domestic abuse case?"**

**"The time you got suspended?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Not really."**

**"I do. I always will, because you were the first person to ask me the question, and have it stick. You said, ' Every time we get a case with a hint of domestic abuse, or violence you go off the deep end. What is your problem?' Do you still want to know the answer to that question?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I can still feel the pain of the broken bones. I look at the scars every day. I remember the constant trips to the hospital, and my wonder to why none of the doctors ever noticed a little girl who came in too frequently. My parents loved my brother, but they beat him too when I wasn't there to take his place. I remember watching my father beat my mother until she passed out. I remember the smell of alcohol always in my parents breath as they found new reasons to hit me. The pain was unbearable, but I had to bare it, because my parents would take my pain meds. I thought this was the way everyone lived."** Catherine watches the tears trickle down Sara's face, and can feel them sliding down her own face.

**"I can still smell the iron. You know how the sent lingers in the air, and I can still see the cast off on the walls. Vividly I can see the events that happened that night. My mom pulled me out of bed after her and my father had finished arguing. She had bruises forming around her neck. I figured it was my turn to be beaten and I braced myself for pain, but then I saw it. The knife gleaming in my mom's hand and I watched in the corner as my mother, killed my father."**

**"God Sara."** Catherine pulls Sara over to her, and refuses to let go as Sara tries to pull away. _Nobody should have to go through that. It is amazing she survived. No mother should treat her child like that._ Catherine can feel the rage boiling beneath her skin. She kisses Sara's head over and over, **"It's all over now baby. It's all over."**

**"No it's not Catherine. If it was I wouldn't have hit you, and hurt you the way I did. Ever since that night you have floated in and out my nightmares of when my father was killed. It's not over, it never will be."**

**"Yes it is baby. It's over. I won't let anyone treat you badly again."** Catherine lay there with Sara in her arms and she decides to ask her the question that has been burning inside of her for a while, **"Sara, do you still have feelings for me?"** Sara hears the question perfectly clear, but pretends to have fallen asleep. _What does she want me to say? Most likely no, but what if this time that's not the answer she wants, or if it is and I don't give it to her? She will be uncomfortable._

Catherine figuring Sara has fallen asleep holds her closer, and slowly drifts away. Sara waits until she thinks Cath is sleeping, and gently slips from the blonde's tight grip. She goes out into the living room contemplating how she will ever answer Catherine's question.

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Catherine wakes up and is upset to not find Sara lying next to her. She gets up, and gets ready so that she can take Linzz to school for once. Her mom is finally leaving today after a long week of arguments on how to raise Lindsay. Catherine can't say she is happy though, because that means Sara will go back to sleeping in the guest room. _I'll miss waking up next to her warm body._ Walking out to the kitchen she hears the TV on, and goes in to scold Linzz about watching TV before school. She is shocked to find Sara sitting there staring off into space. Catherine had assumed Sara had gone into work early. **"Hey sweetie."**

**"Hey,"** Sara gives Catherine a small smile, but Cath can tell something is on her mind. She is about to ask when Lindsay comes in the room.

**"Are you ready to go mom? I'm going to be late for school if we don't hurry up."**

**"Alright sweetheart I'll meet you in the car." **Linzz leaves the room and Catherine looks over at Sara. It hurts her to see the sad look on Sara's face. She leans over and brushes her lips against Sara's cheek,** "What are you thinking about?"**

**"What you asked me last night."**

**"I thought you were sleeping."**

**"No. I didn't know how to answer it."**

**"Why? Is that why you came out here?"**

**"Yeah it is, and I don't know what kind of answer you are looking for Cat."**

**"Mom!"**

**"I have to go. I want an honest answer Sara."**

**"What if the honest answer hurts you, or makes you uncomfortable?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"You should probably take Linzz to school."**

**"Yeah I'll see you when I get back?"**

**"Maybe I have a lot to do at work."**

**"Okay," **Catherine leans in to give Sara a kiss, but the brunette pulls away. It is almost if Sara stabbed Catherine through the heart. Catherine has a hard time breathing as she leaves the room, and tears are swelling in her eyes.

When she gets home Catherine finds a note on the table saying that Sara had gone to work, and that she is sorry, but she can't answer Catherine's question. Catherine decides she better go to work too, but is hesitant to, because of Sara.

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The two women work silently together. Talking only when informing the other of a new piece of evidence, or a link to a suspect. It is not like after they usually fight Catherine notices. There is no smile from Sara to truly acknowledge Catherine so Catherine responds in the same way. By the end of the day Catherine is ready to go home, and hang out with Lindsay. When she leaves Sara is still working her hardest on the domestic abuse case.

Sara knows that she hurt Catherine this morning, and knows she probably can't fix her actions for a while. Catherine's actions toward her have only confirmed Sara's worries. So she loses herself in work. Trying harder and harder to nail the son of a bitch that hurt that poor woman a few days ago. By the time she gets to Catherine's it is twelve o' clock. Knowing that she shouldn't, Sara slips into bed with Catherine. Wanting to feel the blonde's warm reassuring presence. She gasps when she realizes, _Catherine's naked!_ The first thought that flashes through her mind is that Cath has hurt herself again, and her skin is too sensitive for clothes.

Sara's gasp makes Catherine smile, but she doesn't let on to the fact that she is awake. Her sheets will probably be stained with blood in the morning from where she gave into impulse, but Sara's reaction lets her know the woman still cares. Catherine had feared she didn't. That thought had driven Catherine to the edge allowed her to use the blade again, and Catherine resents herself for giving in. Sara whispers into the blonde's ear,** "Catherine?"**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Are you okay?"**

**"I'm fine, why?"**

**"You're not wearing any clothes, did you hurt yourself?"**

**"Why do you care**?" Catherine hears Sara wince as the impact of her words hit the brunette.

Sara doesn't know what to say as she slides her hand onto Catherine waist she feels the other woman's blood smear across her hand. She starts to pull Catherine into her as Catherine tries to resist. The blonde gives in. Sara pulls Catherine to her so they are face to face, and whispers**, "Don't you ever think I don't care about you**." Holding Cath in her embrace Sara can feel Cath's warm tears sliding down her neck. Sara brushes her lips against the top of Cath's head, and wonders_, how am I going to help her?_

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The alarm goes off causing both Catherine and Sara to groan. Catherine's waist and legs sting from her actions the night before. She hopes none of the marks will become infected before they get the chance to heal. **"Morning."**

**"Morning," **Sara fights off the nagging urge she has to kiss Catherine as the relief that Catherine hasn't cut too deep washes over her. **"How are you feeling?"**

**"Okay, but I'm going to need to wear soft fabrics today. I should probably clean the cuts."**

**"I'll help you." **Catherine knows that objecting no matter how embarrassed she is will do no good. Sara turns around while Catherine puts a bra and underwear on. As they go into the bathroom it takes all of Sara's strength to not stare. Especially at Catherine's black thong. Catherine passes Sara the rubbing alcohol, as Sara sits on the toilet seat. **"Come stand in front of me."**

**"Okay." **As Sara cleans the wounds her face is only a couple of inches a from Catherine's stomach, and she lightly rests a hand on the blonde's hip. Catherine's heart is racing at the touch of Sara's hand, and warm breath. She hopes Sara won't notice her breathing becoming slightly labored as it is controlled by passion. She can feel her nipples hardening from the slight touch, and she realizes this is the fastest she has ever been turned on. As soon as Sara is done Catherine rushes out of the room to gain control of herself. Sara remains where she is at the same time trying to control her heart with her energy left over from forcing her breath normally since she was so close to Catherine. After her heart has stopped racing she calls to Catherine, **"Everything okay?"**

**"Yeah I just needed some clothes."**

**"You ran out of here pretty fast to just need clothes."**

**"Yeah well I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed." **Catherine hates lying through her teeth especially to Sara, but she can't tell her the truth. She would be risking making Sara uncomfortable if she didn't have the same reaction.

**"Okay, well I have to go shower anyways. I have a lot to do at work and I'm sure you do too."**

**"Okay."** _I can't tell her, not yet. I have no choice it seems Grissom still has his hold on me, and unless I do something he will for the rest of my life. I'm not sure yet if what I want to do is really what I want to do, and I don't want to trouble Cat unless I am certain._

* * *

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

Catherine watches as Sara walks past her office consumed in a tox report. Catherine smiles to herself as Sara tucks her hair behind her ears again. She has finally realized _I love Sara, and I'm not going to let anything change that._ Then she watches the transaction between Grissom and Sara in the hall. She can see for herself how much emotional pain Griss can put Sara through. The expression on the brunette's face goes from pleased to hurt and sad. Catherine can see in Sara's eyes how much it is tearing her apart, and watches her stiffen when Grissom places his hand on her lower back. There is still love between the two, and it doesn't feel right to get in the way. Catherine can't stand to see Sara in pain anymore and peaks her head out of the door, **"Sara can I see you in my office please."**

**"Sure. Bye Griss."**

**"See you later."**

Catherine closes the door behind Sara, and laughs at the puzzled look on her face. **"What's so funny?"**

**"Your expression."**

**"Okay, so what do you want?"**

**"I just felt like seeing you sweetie. You can go back to work now if you want."**

**"That's it Cat? What's going on? Are you okay? You don't feel like hurting yourself do you?"**

**"No hun, I'm fine I promise."**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"Yes, do you want the truth?'**

**"Yes."**

**"I saw the look on your face when you were talking to Gil, and I couldn't bare it any longer, but the first part is true I wanted to see you."**

**"Oh. Hey do you mind if I sit in here for a couple of minutes? I have a feeling Grissom is waiting around the corner for me."**

**"No of course not." **Catherine smiles at Sara, and realizes she should shut the blinds. After repeating the ritual that seems to occur every time Sara is in the office she takes a seat next to the brunette. Catherine is battling with the urge to kiss Sara. Feel the brunette's lips against hers; explore Sara's body with her hands. Deciding to compromise with her overpowering feelings she moves closer to Sara and pulls her into a hug resting her head on the brunette's shoulder. Sara brushes her lips against Cath's head, and it sends a rush through Catherine's body, but she refuses 

to act on her feelings when it is clear Sara still loves Grissom, and is too afraid to tell her. A knock on the door sends the two flying across the room as far away as they can get from each other. Each one fearing getting caught, and the rumors spreading. **"Hold on a minute**," Catherine yells. She smiles at Sara and walks over to the brunette and quickly kisses her cheek**, "I'll see you later okay."**

**"Okay**." As Catherine opens the door Sara slides out behind Warrick as fast as she can.

**"I hope you're not giving that poor girl a hard time again."**

**"I wasn't."**

**"Good. I'm here, because I finished my case and need you to assign a new one."**

**"Okay." **Warrick secretly watches Catherine out of the corner of his eye as she lets out a sigh, and searches her desk for the list of who is working on what. She seems happier than the last time Warrick was with her, but there is still a hint of sadness in her eyes. **"So how are you doing Cath?"**

**"Fine how are you?"**

**"Okay. I'm going through a divorce so you know how it can be sometimes, are you sure you're alright?'**

**"Not really."**

**"Is it something going on between you and Lindsay?"**

**"No?"**

**"Guys?"**

**"Kind of."**

**"Well any guy that makes you suffer like this isn't worth your time?"**

**"Thanks." **_But a special woman is. _**"Okay you can work with Nick on his hit and run case."**

**"Okay, see you later."**

**"Bye."**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_God this week is going by too slow._ Catherine is in the lab with Sara, Grissom, and Greg. She is glaring at Grissom as her lightly touches Sara, and Sara stiffens again after to fourth touch, but tries to smile at him encouragingly. Greg walks over and whispers, **"I don't know what he did to you, but he better watch out." **Then the young CSI walks out of the room. Sara moves her shoulder around, and winces in pain.

Catherine beats Grissom to the caring words, **"Are you okay Sara?"**

**"Yeah just a little sore. It's been this way since after my arm healed. The doctor says the pain should eventually go away." **Catherine walks past Sara grabbing her results from the printer, and gently rubs Sara's shoulder, then leaves.

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Catherine stumbles across Grissom watching Sara's interview with Hannah. **"Hey Gil I thought I am supervising this case?"**

**"You are, but come here and watch how Hannah is messing with Sara."** Catherine watches as Sara gets increasingly upset and frustrated with the little girl's avoidance of the subject. **"I should make sure she is okay."**

**"Hey Gil, can I ask you something?"**

**"Sure?"**

**"Why are you doing this to Sara?"**

**"Doing what?"**

**"Giving her hope again when you ended the relationship that there is another chance for you two?"**

**"I made a mistake, and I need to fix it. I still love Sara and I was afraid at the time. She needs to know that if she's willing I would like to pursue our relationship again."** Catherine is trying so hard to control her hand which wants to head right for Grissom's eye.

**"You're hurting her though. Don't you care about that?"**

**"I will make it up to her, and why do you care? You two hate each other."**

**"That's not true."**

**"Oh it's not? You can't be in the same room with her for more than five minutes. How do you even know how this is affecting her? Last time I checked she wasn't talking to you at all."**

**"Know what Grissom?"**

**"What?"**

**"Fuck you! You have no regard for people's feelings, because you have none of your own."** Catherine storms out of the room. Grissom has hit a nerve with her and he is not going to get away with it; no matter how much her opinion hurt him.

Sara walks down the hall frustrated with Grissom. Suddenly she is pulled into an interview room. She loses her balance and crashes into the wall with Catherine underneath her. She looks at the blonde and laughs as she realizes Catherine was the one who pulled her into the interview room "secretly" except they made more noise than Sara bet she intended.

**"You okay Cat? I didn't flatten you did I?"**

"**I'm fine. That worked well don't you think?" **She wraps her arms around Sara's shoulders. **"The reason I pulled you in here is because I want to know if you are okay. I saw the interview with Hannah. She hasn't changed has she?"**

**"No, and I'm fine."**

**"You're lying Sara."** The brunette tries to pull away, but Catherine won't let her. Not this time. Catherine attempts to look into Sara's eyes, but as soon as the brown eyes catch hers they look away. Catherine reaches up, and taking Sara's chin lightly Catherine turns Sara's head so she is facing Catherine.

**"I don't want to talk about it."**

**"I don't want to leave you so upset."**

**"Please let me go Catherine."** To Catherine that means letting go of Sara forever, and she won't do that. The brunette might not mean it that way or maybe she does, but Catherine refuses to no matter what Sara wants.

**"No."** Sara pulls until she is out of Catherine's reach, and leaves the room. Catherine stands there for a moment. She can feel her heart slowly breaking at the same time she curses her body for reacting with the closeness of Sara. She can feel the brunette's heat lingering on her body. The way their two bodies fit together perfectly, and she longs to stand in Sara's arms forever allowing the love to flow between them. Sighing she leaves the room and runs into Nick.** "Hey Nicky, can you do me a favor?"**

**"Sure Cath, what is it?"**

**"Keep an eye on Sara for me will you?"**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_I hope I'm doing the right thing._ Sara sees Grissom talking to Hodges. Her heart is pounding as she reaches him then she leans in and kisses him. His lips are soft and she slips her tongue in quickly then glides away; her head in another place.

**"Judy have you seen Sara?"**

**"She just left Dr. Grissom, but she left this for you." **Grissom rushes to his office his heart dropping further with each word he reads.

Catherine slips into the Grissom's office **"Gil, I wanted to apologi...,"** Looking at Grissom his face has lost all color."** What's wrong?"** He ignores her as he stares off into space. He can't believe what he has just read. **"Hello? Earth to Grissom! What is wrong?"**

**"Sara's gone."**

* * *

TBC...

Sorry I forgot to mention this might spoil season 8 I'm just trying to go where the story takes me sorry


	8. Chapter 8

**"What!?"**

"**She's gone. Left me a letter saying that she is leaving, but she doesn't know where she is going. I recieved it after I went looking for her because she had come up and kissed me then left."** Catherine rips the letter out of Grissom's hand.

_**Gil,**_

_**You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told I'm tired. Out in the desert under that car that night I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't I'm afraid I'll self destruct and worse you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you were my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything.**_

_**I Love you...I always will...**_

_**Goodbye**_

Catherine feels her heart shatter and her knees are threatening to give in. She knew before this that Sara still loves Grissom, but it doesn't diminish the pain that is seeping into her wounded heart. Tears swell up in her eyes, and she knows what she has to do. **"Gil, I'm so sorry. I have to go. Will you be okay?"** Catherine waits a few seconds for a reply and when none come she dashes out of the room to her car.

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Catherine pulls into her driveway. Long ago she gave into tears, which blur her vision, but they cannot blur out Sara's car in the driveway. Catherine's hope lifts even though she knows that Sara rode into work with her today, and Sara might have taken a cab straight out of town, but she pushes that thought away. Entering the house Catherine listens intently for any slight noise. She notes the contents of her liquor cabinet have been emptied, and most like poured down the sink, because of the bottles surrounding it. Quietly she walks quickly to the guest room, and finds Sara standing with her back to Catherine. Clothes are strewn all over the room. Some in Sara's bag, and the rest spread around the floor. Catherine can see Sara's shoulders shaking from uncontrollable silent sobs. Catherine crosses the room and gently rubs Sara's shoulders.

The brunette jumps with surprise, but doesn't turn; knowing who it is. Only one person would dare touch her so intamately when they are not involved without waiting for permission. **"I uhh... I have to go."**

"**I know I read your letter."** Sara turns to see Catherine's eyes just as red and puffy as she imagines her own to be. **"And I heard what you did."** Sara pulls away and returns to packing.

"**I had to see if the spark was still there; it was the reason that stopped me from answering your question. It was the thing that I allowed to stop me from moving on."**

"**Is it still there?"**

"**No."**

"**Then stay Sara. Find another job. Don't let Grissom stop you from doing what you love."**

"**There's more to it than that Catherine."**

"**What else is there?"**

"**My relationship with Gil isn't the only thing I need to leave behind. I convinced myself that my feelings for you were a little crush, built from attraction, and the need for inappropriate validation. It turns out though that it isn't little, and it's not a crush. Staying and dealing with what never will become more tears me apart. I need to go."**

Sara is across the room from Catherine emptying shelves; Catherine walks over to her, and lightly grabs her wrist. **"Sara." **Sara stands up looking into Catherine's clear blue eyes. Catherine takes her chance, and lightly brushes her lips against Sara's. When Sara doesn't pull back she presses on Sara's lips harder moaning quietly as Sara nibbles on her bottom lip. Catherine's hands work their way to Sara's hair then gently she bites Sara's lip. When a moan escapes from Sara, Catherine slides her tongue into the brunette's mouth. She explores every detail of Sara's mouth. Sara uses her height as an advantage and deepens the kiss as she slides her hands down to cup Catherine's ass.

The door slams, **"Mom I'm home. I can't believe you made me take the bus you know why I hate it!"**

Catherine and Sara pull away from each other, both breathing heavily, hearts racing, with no desire to stop. Staring deeply into Sara's eyes Catherine whispers, **"Will you stick around for a little longer?"**

"**Yeah." **Catherine steals another kiss slipping her tongue in Sara's mouth then leaves the room to find her daughter.

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Sara stands there smiling to herself. That was the best moment of her life. It felt so right holding Catherine in her arms. She goes out to find the two blonde's in their normal spot curled up under a blanket on the couch. **"Hey sweetie, how was school?"**

**"Boring."** Sara laughs and plops down next to Catherine. Catherine takes the blanket and covers Sara too. She smiles at Sara who is trying to concentrate on the TV while Catherine slides her hand up her thigh. As she is about to reach Sara's core she feels Sara's hand move her own back onto the brunette's knee. Catherine looks over at Sara slightly puzzled, and Sara points her head in the direction of Lindsay. Catherine giggles, and rolls her eyes at Sara.

**"Well I'm going to go start dinner,"** Catherine gets up, and goes in the other room.

**"I'll be right back Linzz. I'm going to go see if your mom needs help in the kitchen okay."**

**"Alright."**

Sara finds Catherine in the kitchen and as soon as Catherine realizes she is in the room Sara finds herself pinned against the wall with Catherine's tongue down her throat. Sara is reluctant to, but she pries Catherine off of her. **"Cat we can't do this while Linzz is awake, or in the same room, or in the house for that matter."**

**"Why not she won't know?"**

**"One you underestimate your daughter she is extremely smart about **_**everything**_**, and two because I don't want her to get hurt."**

**"Okay I won't do anything until later."**

**"Okay,"** Sara smiles at Cath and lightly kisses her before going back to hang out with Lindsay.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sara climbs into bed, and as soon as she is under the covers Catherine is on top of Sara kissing her neck, then kissing her passionately and roughly. She then begins to yank Sara's shirt off. **"Cath didn't we talk about this? Not while Linzz is in the house. She is going to her friend's tomorrow night. Can you wait until then?"**

**"No, not really but I guess I'll have to."**

Sara can hear the disappointment in her voice. She rolls Catherine off of her then straddles the blonde kissing Catherine, Sara uses her tongue to explore every inch of Catherine's mouth, and slides her hand up the woman's shirt enjoying the sound of Catherine's longing moan. She then rolls off, and whispers in her ear,** "You won't be disappointed if you wait baby."** Sara hears Catherine's quick sharp intake of breath and smiles. She pulls Catherine into her taking in her sent and warmth**. "Night." **

**"Night, hey Sara..."**

**"Mmmmm."**

**"I love you."**

**"I love you too baby."**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Catherine's eyes shoot open it feels as if the bed is moving beneath her. Slowly it registers as she feels herself groping Sara, and the warmth beneath her that the bed isn't moving, Sara is thrashing around lost in the depths of a nightmare. Catherine runs her hand through Sara's silky hair trying to pull her out of it. **"Sara sweetie."** Sara is still thrashing beneath Catherine, **"Sara sweetie it's just a nightmare." **Suddenly Sara tries to sit straight up throwing Catherine off of her. She is breathing hard, and hasn't recognized where she is yet. Catherine wraps herself around Sara pressing her back onto the bed as she puts light kisses on Sara's face. Lying on Sara's shoulder the blonde waits a few minutes to say anything as she listens to Sara's labored breathing, and feels the brunette shaking beneath her. When the shaking doesn't hinder and the breathing remains labored Catherine lifts her head,** "Sweetheart are you alright?"** The little color that is usually is in Sara's checks has drained. Catherine looks into her eyes and sees how distant they are. Quickly she reaches over and turns on the lights. Tears are streaming down Sara's face and every breath is becoming more labored. Catherine places a hand on Sara's face, **"Sara, sweetie, Sara you have to calm down, Sara?"** Finally Sara's eyes light up with emotion, and she slows her breathing. Catherine kisses the tears off her face, and then gently kisses her lips. **"You scared me."**

**"Sorry,"** Sara whispers. _That hasn't happened to me in years. Why now when I'm the happiest I've been in a long time?_

**"Are you alright?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Are you sure, because you just had a panic attack? Do you want to talk about your dream, or maybe what triggered your attack?"** Catherine's eyes are full of concern, and the way she is clung to Sara tells the brunette how scared she really was. Even though the strong blonde won't let on to her emotions.

**"I'm fine baby. I promise." **Sara rests her hand on Catherine's face and uses it to guide Catherine toward her. Sara lightly kisses Catherine over and over trying to express her emotions through the connection of their lips. She slides her hand up and down Catherine's arm, and allows the connection of their next kiss to be longer, before she pulls Catherine into her and wraps herself around the blonde. She can feel light tears on her arms, and she tightens her grip. She runs her hand through Catherine's hair trying to find something that will still the fear that has risen in the blonde. Sara puts her hand under Catherine's chin and lifts her head so they are looking straight into each other's eyes. Softly she wipes away the tears Catherine has shed leaving her hand on Catherine's face. Sara kisses her again not adding the curious tongue, lovingly, and reassuringly she tries to comfort Catherine. **"I'm not going anywhere sweetie I'm ****going to be with you forever no matter where I really am. You don't have to worry about losing me."**

**"Really?"** It shocks Sara to hear the doubt in Catherine's voice. Sara realizes now more than ever how much Catherine had really lost over the years she has known her. There is no doubt in Sara's mind that she has lost a lot in the years before that.

**"Really."**

* * *

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Sara wakes up in bed alone. It feels strange to not have to go to work. She wants to surprise Catherine tonight with a nice relaxing dinner and maybe some new lingerie for the occasion. A smile creeps across her face at the anticipation of what the night holds. She gets up and showers then goes out shopping.

Sara discovers herself in Victoria's Secret trying on many different mesh and see through pieces. Decisions are not her thing so she goes with a few different pieces, and figures she has the whole day to decide which one she wants to wear.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The day is going by too slow for Catherine's liking. Even with a very intriguing and time consuming case the day seems to be creeping by. Her mind is focused on what waits for her at home. Smiling to herself she makes her way to DNA, and crashes into Grissom half way there.

He doesn't look like he has changed or eaten since the last time she saw him. Catherine wouldn't be surprised if he had slept in his office, or if he slept at all. Guilt immediately floods her. Grissom looks like this because of the loss of Sara. Here she is happy because of her newly formed relationship with Sara, and what they plan to do tonight, while her best friend is mourning over her lover. **"Griss, are you okay?"** As he looks at her his eyes are so lost, and distant. Sadness covers even the smallest details of his face.

**"Yeah Catherine I'm fine."** He watches as disbelief covers her face, but there is hint of guilt there. Raising his eyebrow he says, **"What have you done?"**

**"What? Nothing. Why do you say that?"**

**"You look guilty." **Catherine's face then goes blank. She is using the indifference she saves for the interrogation room now. Shaking her head she walks away toward DNA.

**"Tell me what you have."**

**"The epithelials on the rope are a match to your victim." **Catherine lets out a sigh of frustration. She has yet again come to a dead end in this case her phone starts to ring. **"Willows."**

**"Hey sexy."**

**"Hey."** Catherine leaves the room for some privacy.

**"When are you coming home? I'm getting very anxious."**

**"Ummm... I'm not sure what time is it now?"**

**"6:30"**

**"Give me half an hour."**

**"Okay I'll be waiting. I love you."**

**"You too."** Catherine tries to hide her impatience with the time and she considers sneaking out early.

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Sara hops in the shower to be fresh for Catherine as the bread cooks in the oven. She has a feeling they won't be having dinner right away. After she gets out of the shower extremely relaxed Sara decides on wearing the red lace partly see through bra and thong she bought today. She then throws on some tight dark jeans, and a dressy tank top. She is putting the finishing touches on her make-up when she hears the front door open. She goes out to meet Catherine, and is instantly pinned up against the wall with Catherine's hands sliding up, and down her body. As they break apart for air Sara looks down and smiles at Catherine, **"Hey baby it's nice to see you too."**

Catherine smiles at her, **"You look nice. Hey what smells so good?"**

**"Thanks, I'm making dinner."**

**"Mmmmmm, do I have enough time to shower?"**

**"Yeah." **Catherine kisses Sara one more time before leaving the room. After taking a shower she picks out a little black dress puts on her make-up and puts out her tight see through night gown for later. Walking into the kitchen Sara's jaw drops slightly, and Catherine smiles. **"You look amazing why don't you go out on the deck? I'll bring the food out."**

**"Okay."** Catherine is surprised by Sara's amazing cooking. She watches the way the setting sun hits Sara's face making her beauty even stronger. Sara steels glances at Catherine who looks stunning as usual. When they are done eating Catherine drags Sara's chair with the brunette in it over to her. She wants to take Sara's clothes off right there, but she has a feeling the neighbors won't appreciate it. She leans in and slowly kisses Sara.** "I love you."**

**"I love you too."**

Catherine gets up and helps clear the table then leads Sara to the end of the hall.** "You stay here I'll be right back."** Catherine comes back out five minutes later and leans up against the door frame. The breath is knocked out of Sara at the sight of her and Sara slowly walks toward the blonde savoring the precious sight. She catches Catherine's mouth in a kiss, and leads her toward the bed at the same time, one hand is tangled Catherine's hair and the other cups her ass. She pushes the blonde onto the bed then straddles her. Her eyes devouring what she can already see of Catherine's body. Catherine flips Sara over so that they reverse positions. She kisses down Sara's neck at the same time starts to slide off her shirt. Quiet moans escape Sara's lips as Catherine nibbles on her ear. Sara slides her hands up under Catherine's see through dress and 

slips it off. Then she takes off Catherine's bra and a moan escapes her as she looks at Catherine's perfect breasts. Catherine smiles at Sara's reaction and captures her lips as they tongue wrestle. Catherine whispers, **"I always start on top."**

Sara smiles and flips Catherine over and gets back on top of her, **"Not this time."** Sara lightly kisses down Catherine's neck, making her way down to her breasts. Sara wraps her tongue around Catherine's hard nipples then sucks on them as she moans at the feeling of Catherine's nails scratching up and down her back. She is taking her time teasing Catherine. She feels Catherine's hands slip around to her back and slip her shirt off, and hears a sharp intake of breath, then rushing fingers to remove her bra. Feeling her bra sliding of Sara sits up for a second to allow Catherine a glance at what she is so eager to see. Catherine's eyes start to devour ever line and detail of Sara's body; Sara takes the pause as an advantage and slips off Catherine's thong. Sara kisses down Catherine's stomach stopping for a second to look into Catherine's eyes and capture her lips. She laughs at Catherine's protesting moan. She can feel Catherine longing for her to get to the parts that really need attention. She runs her hands down the inside of Catherine's thighs and stops right before she reaches where Catherine wants her to be. She looks at Catherine's chest rapidly moving up and down as she tries to breathe through the lust, passion, and anticipation that fills her body. Sara goes down and flicks just the right spot with her tongue, and Catherine moans her name.

The sound of Catherine moaning her name almost makes Sara lose her control and come, but she doesn't. The thought of Catherine and all the pleasure she will give Sara stops her. She caresses Catherine's pussy for a few minutes hearing her name being repeatedly moaned. Then she puts her fingers inside of Catherine and can fell the blonde already beginning to pulse around her fingers. Sara slips a third finger in and starts bringing them in and almost out rapidly. Catherine stiffens and screams Sara's name as Sara feels the warm liquid engulf her fingers. She lightly kisses up Catherine's body to her mouth, and kisses her gently, but holds the kiss for a while Catherine gains her energy. Catherine can't wait to give Sara the most amazing orgasm she's ever had the same as the brunette did for her.

Catherine slips Sara's thong off first wanting to deceive her. Catherine nibbles on Sara's ear then slips her tongue into the brunette's ear. Sara moans loudly causing a ripple of longing to surge through Catherine's body. Sliding he hand up Sara's smooth toned stomach Catherine cups her breast in her hand then flicks Sara's nipple with her tongue. Sara is wiggling beneath her in anticipation already. As Catherine sucks on Sara's nipples she slides her hand down the woman's thigh and inserts two fingers and quickly takes them out. Catherine rubs in between Sara's legs but stops when she feels the brunette stiffening; she isn't finished. Kissing and licking down Sara's stomach she stops just before she answers Sara's silent pleads and looks up with a questioning look_ is this what you want me to do?._ Sara replies with a moan that is followed by many sharp ones carrying Catherine's name. Catherine slides her fingers into the wetness, and plunges her fingers deep, as Sara moves her hips with Catherine's thrusts. Catherine quickens her pace as she feels Sara starting to pulse around her without warning Sara stiffens and screams Catherine's name one more time before Catherine feels Sara's warm fluid rushing over her fingers. Catherine straddles Sara and kisses her hard then collapses on the bed beside her. Sara pulls Catherine to her, and Catherine starts running her hands through Sara's hair as the lay there.

Catherine lays her hand on Sara's cheek and kisses her,** "I want some coffee, would you like any?"**

**"That would be nice."** Catherine gets up and Sara teases Catherine moaning at the sight of the blonde's body. Catherine covers up with a robe as Sara sighs,** "Now why did you do that?"**

Catherine looks over her shoulder and smiles at Sara,** "I don't think the neighbors would like seeing me naked."**

**"Now on the contrary my love, I think it would make their day to see your gorgeous body uncovered, but now that you mention it maybe it is a better idea if you cover up. I don't know if I could stand the thought of anyone getting to see that sweet sight besides me." **Sara winks at Catherine before the blonde turns her head and walks out.

Catherine comes back into the room to find Sara standing in front of the window naked lost in deep thought. Setting down the mugs of steaming coffee Catherine goes over to Sara untying her robe while she is walking and pulls Sara into it with her the best she can.** "I don't think anyone else should get to see your beauty besides me."** Catherine smiles into Sara's back and kisses one of the scars from Sara's childhood. **"Why don't you come back to bed; it is too soon after such a precious moment to be thinking so seriously sweetie."** Sara turns around and gives Catherine a faint smile then they walk back over to the bed. Catherine lies on her side next to Sara with her robe falling open tracing circles on Sara's stomach, and holding her head up with the other. Sadness has already made its way back onto Sara's face she is staring up at the ceiling. The brunette has her coffee in one hand and the other is tangled in Catherine's hair. **"Sara sweetie what's wrong?"**

**"I think...I think... never mind baby it's not important right now."**

**"I think it's very important with the look on your face."**

**"I think I still need to go away for a while."** Catherine feels like she has just had the wind knocked out of her. All of her movements stop and she looks slightly like a deer frozen by headlights. She moves to get out of the bed and run away from Sara stalling as long as possible, but Sara grabs her arm, and pulls Catherine toward her. Catherine finally manages to whisper, **"I guess we will have to figure this out then."**

* * *

TBC...


	10. Chapter 10

Catherine looks at Sara, and struggles to keep the tears inside. **"Go where you need to Sara it will just be another time I am someone's one night stand."**

Sara looks at her with puzzlement and shock, **"How can you think that Catherine? I would never use you like that. I have never felt this way toward anyone before, and I don't want to lose you. I love yo..."** Sara can't breathe, and the world around her is going black she can faintly hear Catherine's voice.

**"Oh shit! Sara sweetie you have to calm down and take deep breaths."** Catherine slides Sara so that her head is in Catherine's lap. She feels Sara struggling for breath, and she has a distant look in her eye. Catherine gives up and lets the tears pour out. She gets up close to Sara's face, **"Sara can you hear me? Take deep breaths; focus on my voice." **Sara's breathing starts to return to normal and her eyes start to come back to the present.

Sara looks up at Catherine who is sobbing as she tries to help Sara out of the depths of a panic attack. She reaches up and wipes some tears from Catherine's face, but they are instantly replaced. She sits up and looks at Catherine so vulnerable, and so scared her heart starts to break as she realizes she has done this to the strong and independent woman she once knew. The person she loves; she pulls Catherine into her and holds her as tight as possible as the blonde sobs on her shoulder. Sara whispers in her ear, **"Remember what I told you?" **She feels Catherine faintly nod. **"I still mean it. You won't lose me Cath even if I'm not right by your side at the moment. Nothing can take me away from you."** Sara runs her hand through Catherine's hair she feels Catherine's breathing slow slightly. **"Cath I think maybe I will go..."**

Catherine puts a finger to Sara's lips, **"No more drama right now."** Sara lowers both of them back down onto the bed, and Catherine starts running her nails gently up and down Sara's bare stomach. She brushes her lips up against Sara's neck, and Sara pulls her closer. Catherine feels sleep weighing down on her eyes as the warmth of Sara's body floods over her.

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Catherine looks at the card that came with the bouquet of flowers Sara sent her on Monday. _**Love you baby. I'll be home soon.**_ Sara has been gone for almost two weeks and the distance is killing Catherine. She has entered her office many times to discover little presents laying on her desk. Sara has spoiled her, but Catherine would prefer the real person here with her instead. Catherine agreed to letting Sara go away for two weeks, because it was better than forever, but she longs for the brunette's touch, and love. Her phone rings and Catherine answers, **"Willows."**

**"Hey."** A smile plays across Catherine's face at the sound of Sara's voice.

**"Hey sweetie."**

**"I had a present delivered to your car it should be out there by now if you are interested."**

**"My car? Why not my desk?"**

**"Well it wouldn't fit on your desk, and I thought you might not want everyone seeing it."**

**"Mmmmmm something kinky, what is it?"**

**"You'll have to go find out won't you?"**

**"I guess I will."**

**"Listen baby I have to go I'll see you soon."**

**"Tomorrow night at the airport right?"**

**"Yeah. I love you."**

**"I love you too."** Catherine hangs up her phone and heads out to the parking lot. As Catherine reaches her car the door opens, and she is pulled into the back seat. Lips crush against hers, and a tongue snakes in and out of her mouth. Pulling away Catherine stares into the eyes of Sara Sidle. Catherine gasps, **"What are you doing here?"**

**"I wanted to surprise you. Did you like it?"** Catherine replies by pushing Sara onto the back seat straddling her, and kissing her deeply with her tongue down the back of Sara's throat. Catherine slips her hands under Sara's shirt and tries to pull it off before hesitantly Sara has to stop her. **"Having your car steaming up, and rocking back and forth in the police department parking lot is probably not the best idea."**

Catherine smiles, and looks into Sara's eyes. **"I've missed you, and it will take the whole police force to get me off of you."** It is Sara's turn to smile, and she does flashing a gapped toothed grin Catherine's way. She slips her hand up Catherine's shirt,

**"Don't you go on lunch break soon?"**

**"I don't know. We are suddenly even more shorthanded from before, but I might be able to fit it in. I want to hear all about you trip."**

**"I'll wait here."**

**"No need I'll just call it in."**

**"Okay." **Sara props herself up, and tugs on Catherine's shirt to get her to come down a little then she kisses Catherine slowly, and deeply passion flowing through the linking of lips.

**"Do you want to go out to eat?"**

**"No I'd rather be curled up on the couch."**

**"Hey is your stuff still in your apartment?"**

**"Yeah I have a month to move it out why?"**

**"Why don't we go there?"**

**"Okay."**

**"We don't have to if you don't want to."**

**"No it's fine if you want to go there."**

**"Okay I just thought a change of scenery would be nice, and I can help you start packing before I have to go back to work."**

**"I don't have a place to move my stuff yet."**

**"I know it's not much but..."** Catherine pulls out a small velvet box handing it to Sara. Sara opens it, and in front of her lays a key to Catherine's house, **"I thought you could move in with me and Linzz. I know it's kinda fast, and you don't have if you don't want t..."** Catherine has stopped at a red light. Sara unbuckles and moves into the middle and catches Catherine's lips with her own; silencing the blonde.

**"I love you."**

**"I love you too."** Catherine turns her head to get a glimpse of Sara, and sees the passion, and happiness that consumes her brown orbs.

**"So you like it?"**

**"I love it. I think this will be the right thing to do, but should we talk to Linzz?"**

**"Probably, do you think she will be okay with it?"** A look of worry has spread across Catherine's face. Sara knows the two blonde's have been through a lot, and Catherine would never do anything to deliberately hurt Linzz.

**"I think you have raised a very loving and accepting young woman, and she will be fine with it because she knows that it doesn't matter who you love. I only hope both of you will be able to adjust to living with someone else."**

**"Sara sweetie you don't have to worry about that."**

**"I know but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it."**

**"Sara."**

**"Yeah?"**

**"I love you." **Sara gives Catherine a weak smile.

Catherine gets out of the car and walks over to Sara; she wraps her arm around the brunette's waist, and starts kissing her neck as they walk up to Sara's apartment. When they enter the elevator Catherine pins Sara up against the wall and half way up hits the button stopping the elevator. Sara moans as Catherine nibbles on her ear. Sara moves so that Catherine is pinned against the wall, and holds both her wrists up to the wall as she licks and lightly bites Catherine's neck. Their breathing becomes labored, and Catherine kicks the button to start the elevator again.

They stumble out of the elevator unwilling to break the bond of their lips. Catherine pins Sara against her front door her tongue down the woman's throat, and hands tangled in her hair. Sara's hands have wandered down to Catherine's ass.

Sara pulls away and works on putting her keys in the door as Catherine slides her hands up Sara's shirt cupping her breast. Then Sara feels Catherine's hands slide away, and then Catherine fumbling with the buttons of her own shirt. It falls open and she presses her body against Sara's back. Sara takes a sharp breath at the feeling of Catherine's body against hers. Sara gets the door open, and they trip inside. She leads Catherine to the couch, and sits admiring Catherine's body that her eyes have been so deprived of for two weeks. Catherine straddles Sara and flips her hair before kissing Sara deeply slipping her tongue in the woman's mouth. She explores every inch of Sara's mouth. She has missed it and longs to feel it again. Sara pulls back for a moment then looks Catherine in the eyes. She keeps their eye connection as she slides off the blonde's silk shirt rubbing her toned arms, and savoring the spark at the touching of their skin. She then unhooks Catherine's bra, and lets it fall off the blonde as she admires her perfect breasts.

She kisses in between Catherine's breast then kisses them feeling the other woman's chest moving rapidly up and down. Sara is still kissing Catherine's chest she unbuttons Cath's pants and slides them down her legs along with her thong. Sara runs her hand over Catherine's abs and lower feeling Catherine's wetness. She starts massaging Catherine's pussy then slips her fingers into the woman. Catherine gasps Sara's name and starts moaning and rocking her hips against Sara. Sara alternates wrapping her tongue around Catherine's nipples. Sara then looks into Catherine eyes and places her hand on her face her fingers tangled in the blonde's hair, and increases the speed of her other hand. She can feel Catherine starting to pulse around her fingers, and her moans are becoming louder and louder mixed with the screams of Sara's name. Then Catherine stiffens and screams Sara's name as her warm fluid rushes onto Sara. Catherine collapses in Sara's lap. Sara pulls Catherine's warm naked body into her, and covers the tired blonde with a blanket. She places kisses on Catherine's shoulder, neck, and upper arm, and then kisses the side of her mouth enticing the blonde to turn her head. Catherine turns, and looks into Sara's dark eyes giving her a huge smile that reaches into the blonde's eyes then kisses her lightly, and repeatedly. Sara tucks a blonde lock of hair back behind Catherine's ear, and smiles at the sleepy look on Cath's face.** "I've missed you baby."**

**"I've missed you too."**

**"You can't go to sleep baby you have to go back to work. How about you shower, and I will find something for us to eat."**

**"Do I have to?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Fine."** Catherine throws of the blanket and kisses Sara then goes into the bathroom. Sara longingly watches Catherine's naked form retreat into the other room. After discovering there is absolutely no food left over in her apartment she orders some Chinese and waits for the delivery person to come. There is a knock on the door ten minutes later, and Sara rushes to pay the guy.

Catherine stands under the scorching hot water, and waits to feel herself to wake up. A pair of hands slip around her waist, and turns into the arms of Sara. She gets as close as possible. Then Catherine moves back, looking Sara in the eyes; her own eyes then begin to devour Sara's body. **"I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to see you naked again."** Sara laughs and pulls Catherine to her again. Letting Catherine go Sara takes the Catherine's body wash and pours some in her hand before beginning to rub it on Catherine's back; then spreading the soap onto Catherine's chest, and stomach. Catherine turns to looks at Sara concern and curiousness in her eyes. _Why won't Sara let me touch her like I did before? She is being very loving, but she is not the same._ Sara who is focusing on Catherine's body barely notices the blonde turn around, much less the look on her face. **"Sara?"**Looking up she has tears in her eyes. **"Sweetie what's wrong?" **It feels like Catherine's heart has just split at the sight of tears in Sara's eyes; even more at the thought that they could not seem to go for more than a few days without them.

**"Nothing I was just thinking."**

**"About what?"**

**"What happened on my trip and you."**

**"What happened? Where did you go anyways?"**

**"I went back to San Francisco. I had to leave the ghosts behind there; so that I could come back to you and Linzz, and we could hopefully live as normal as possible; maybe one day be a family..."**

**"We are a family. We have been since you walked into my… our house, and made it a home..."** Sara kissed Catherine, and Cath feels a tear that is not her own slide down her cheek. Catherine rubs Sara's arm and looks at her waiting for her to go on.

**"I knew to get rid of the ghosts there were two things I had to do. Both I had put off when I was living there before. The first thing I did was visit my mother in the jail. She was lucky not to be put on death row; they pleaded insanity, and she was isolated in the state jail, because they felt it was too dangerous for her to just be in a hospital. We didn't say much. At first she was so drugged I didn't think she even recognized me, but then she talked to me as she did when I was little, but like when I was little she went into a spell, and started yelling at me and told me many times I am worthless. They finally had to sedate her, and take her away. Then I went to visit my father's grave. I had never once done that since his ****funeral. I stood there and thought about how no matter how much my father yelled, and hit me I knew he loved me, and that he tried to teach me right. All I could think about though was how much I wished you could be next me. So I could feel your body up against mine, and have your support. I was thinking about how much I loved him, and how fast I lost him. The only other people I have ever really loved is you and Linzz, and I was thinking about how fast I could lose you too. I'm afraid Cat. I'm even more afraid I will be the one to hurt you. I'm so scared, and I didn't want to admit it because I've been so happy with you, but you asked me to move in, and all my fear has come back." **Sara gives into her emotions and starts sobbing; hot water mixing with her tears. Catherine takes Sara in her arms and rubs her back.

**"I'm scared too sweetie, but I'm not going to let you go, because of my fears or yours."** Catherine kisses Sara's wet shoulder, and then her hair. She wishes she knew how to comfort Sara, but she's not sure she can. Sara's tears begin to cease, and she takes her head off Catherine's shoulder. She kisses Catherine hard trying to consume all the love, and support she can; mixed with desire. Catherine lets Sara take all she wants, and do what she wants no matter what she feels is needed at the moment. Sara needs the support, and if she gets most of it through Catherine's body; Cath won't stop her.

Sara pulls out of the kiss, and rubs Catherine's jaw line. Catherine looks at Sara realizing how vulnerable Sara is at the moment. Catherine slides her hand up Sara's wet arm, and cups Sara's jaw grabbing the woman's attention. She kisses her gently trying to convey all that she feels to Sara through their lips. After they pull away Catherine holds Sara close to her enjoying the mixed warmth of Sara's body and the water beating on her back.

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Sara is waiting outside Lindsay's school. She searches the faces for the familiar and gentle blonde's one. She has taken Catherine's car in hope of surprising Linzz. She smiles as the face she is looking for emerges from the crowd. As Linzz opens the car door her eyes widen, and a huge smile spreads across her face one that reminds Sara too much of the girl's mother. **"Hey sweetie."**

**"Sara!! I though you weren't coming home until tomorrow?"**

**"I wanted to surprise you and your mom. Get in here and give me a hug I've missed you." **Sara pulls Lindsay into a bear hug, and holds her there for a while. She has missed the small girl who always brightens up her days more than she realized. **"So I was thinking we should go pick out some flowers for your mom, and then maybe go an pick out a bunch of snacks or something, and get some movies for later. Would you want to help me with that?"**

**"Yeah. Have you already seen mom?"**

**"Yeah why?"**

**"Did she seem sad to you, because she has been lately, and I'm not sure what is wrong. I was hoping maybe you could talk to her."**

**"Yeah of course I will." **Sara's heart skipped a beat,_ is Linzz hinting to me? Or is she stating what she has seen? Catherine didn't seem sad, hopefully it was just because I was gone, but I'll have to watch her, and ask her about it. I don't want her to go back into another episode of self harm. I didn't see any marks on her body, but doesn't mean they weren't there I might not have noticed them. She also knew I was coming back soon could she have stopped on purpose?_ Sara sighs and tries to concentrate on the person sitting next to her.

Lindsay looks at every flower, and examines each one with precise care before ordering, and arranging them. She consults with Sara a little, but Sara doesn't mind that the younger girl has taken over, because she is then allow to retreat into her thoughts for a while.

After the large bouquet is complete Sara pays and they walk out the door. She watches as Linzz looks at all the candy in the isle before choosing, even though Sara has reassured her she can get whatever she wants, and how ever many she wants.

Catherine pulls into the driveway to discover Sara and Linzz are not yet home, and wonders what they are up to. She decides to change out of her work clothes into simple loose worn jeans, and a Godsmack tee with a black zip up sweatshirt over it. She is throwing her hair up into a ponytail when she hears the door open, and two voices whispering to each other as they enter. **"What have you two been doing?"**

**"Nothing mom."** She can hear both of them break into a fit of laughter after Linzz replies, and Catherine figures she should probably go see for herself. When she walks into the kitchen she is greeted by a very large and colorful bouquet. She can tell Linzz helped, because they didn't seem to be the type of flowers Sara would pick out. A small card saying that they loved her very much lay on the table.

**"Thanks you two these are beautiful." **She smiles at both of them, but directs her gaze at Sara who is wearing a look of joy and worry at the same time. **"You should be thanking Linzz she is the one who picked out and arranged the gorgeous bouquet."**

**"Thank you sweetie it is beautiful." **Catherine kisses her beaming daughter.

**"Hey Linzz do you have homework?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"You should probably hurry up and get it done so that we have time to watch some of the movies tonight."**

**"Okay." **

Linzz leaves the room and Sara calls after her, **"Let me know if you need any help."** After Sara is sure Linzz is in her room with the door shut she goes over to Catherine and kisses her slipping her tongue in the woman's mouth; passion flowing through her lips. Sara pulls back still holding Catherine close to her, and reveals a single red rose from behind her back. **"Here baby I picked this out for you."**

**"Thank you it's beautiful." **Sara buries herself in Catherine's hair, and holds her tight. **"What's wrong sweetie?"**

**"Nothing... I'm worried, about you. How are you feeling?"**

**"Fine, why?"**

**You aren't feeling sad are you, or have any urges to hurt yourself."**

**"No Sara. Where did you get that idea?"**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"Yes. Sara why are you worrying about that? Did something happen that you think might make me feel that way?" **Sara doesn't answer she just tightens her grip on Catherine, and kisses her head repeatedly until Catherine looks up at her. Confusion is blanketed over the woman's face. Sara kisses her again then rests her forehead on Catherine's so they are looking eye to eye. She tangles her fingers in the blonde locks that frame Catherine's face, and uses her thumb to rub her cheek.**"Sara what's going on?"** Sara shakes her head and places light kisses on Catherine's lips; her forehead still resting on Catherine's. Catherine reaches up, and tucks a strand of hair behind Sara's ear, and starts running her fingers through the soft brown locks.

**"I love you,"** Sara whispers she is hesitant to let go of Catherine.

Catherine rests her head against Sara's shoulder, and watches her hand caressing Sara's arm.** "I love you too sweetie. I love you too."** Catherine attempts to move away so that she can start dinner, but Sara won't let her go. She looks up at Sara questioningly and Sara captures her lips again, and her arms loosen slightly.

Fear still rushes through Sara's heart though. She is no more reassured that Catherine isn't hurting herself. She is afraid to let Catherine out of her arms and out of her protection. She doesn't want to see any more red lines standing out against Catherine's white, creamy skin. That sight left her heart throbbing in pain because she couldn't help the Catherine. **"Sara." **Catherine whispers, **"Sweetie what is wrong? Please tell me. Not that I don't enjoy this, but I can tell there is a reason for it. I know you well enough to know it is eating you alive inside. Please..."**

**"Baby… I'm so scared that you are hurting yourself, and that I can't help you. Linzz came to me today worried because of how sad you have been lately, and she wanted me to make sure you are okay. I don't know if you would tell me the truth when it comes to this, but I ****don't want to lose you. It scares me tremendously every time there is even the possibility that you could be hurting yourself. It seems like I can't protect you, or help you. I don't want to let you go."**

**"Sara look at me."** Sara's brown eyes flash open meeting the gaze of the intense blue orbs.** "I love you, and you have protected me from almost everything in the past few months. I'm not hurting myself. If you want I will strip right here to prove it. You have already seen my body today and know that I haven't though." **Catherine brushes her lips against Sara's, **"I promise I haven't,"** she whispers into Sara's ear before going to search the fridge for something to eat.

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**"Sara! Can you come help me with my homework?"** Sara is sitting watching Catherine intently as she makes dinner. Watching for the slightest wince of pain. She believes Catherine, but at the same time it isn't the same. The Catherine she knows that will inflict pain upon herself. That person is the same person that Sara becomes while she is drinking. After all of the demons start crawling beneath the skin until it is unbearable and must be acted upon.

**"Sure Linzz I'll be right there."** Taking a last glance at Catherine, Sara leaves the room and steps into a light blue world covered in trophies, and posters. **"Hey sweetie what seems to be the problem?"**

**"Math again."**

**"Alright let me look at it."** Sara takes the paper, sits, then looks over the numbers, letters, and signs.

**"Hey Sara...can I ask you something?"**

**"Yeah sweetheart what is it?"** Sara is concerned that she might be asking for advice in the world of men. Seeing that's all the teenager seems to think about lately. Sara knows she isn't the best person to ask, and if indeed that's what Linzz needs advice about she would have better luck turning to her mother.

**"Do you…do you love my mom?"**

* * *

TBC...


	11. Chapter 11

Sara's heart skips a few beats and she takes a few deep breaths considering on how to answer Lindsay's question. Sara hadn't been expecting it, but it makes sense now, because she had been working on this type of math with Lindsay before she left, and she knew that Linzz had, had no problems with it the last time she checked.

She had Sara cornered. Linzz had needed a way to separate Sara from her mom so that her curious mind could ask the questions it was longing to know. Of course she would answer the question though, because the young girl had confided in her, and Sara wasn't going to give Lindsay any reason to believe she couldn't trust her.

Sara looks into Lindsay's blue eyes and is yet again in awe by the resemblance between the two Willows.**"Yeah I do Linzz just like I love you."**

**"That's not what I meant and you know it Sara. Do you love my mom like the way she used to love my dad so long ago, or the way that you loved Uncle Gil?"**

**"Linzz I know your mom wanted to talk about this with you. Would it be okay if I went, and got her?"**

**"If you answer my question first."**

**"Yes Linzz I love your mom that way and my feelings will never change. Hey Catherine! Could you come here for a second?!"**

**"Coming."** Catherine walks in and looks at the slightly horrified expression on Sara's face then the slightly guilty look that rests upon her daughter's face. Her only thought is _oh God Lindsay is pregnant!_

Sara stands up and whispers in Catherine's ear, **"Linzz has just asked me if I love you, and I knew you had wanted to talk to her."**

The looks does not change on Catherine's face, and she feels horror for a whole other reason. Catherine takes Sara's hand and leads her over to the bed where Lindsay is. Catherine looks at her daughter, but she doesn't know what to say.

Linzz is the first to speak, and it is directed at Sara, **"If you hurt my mom I'll kill you."** Then she looks back down and starts working on her homework. It seems to be the end of the discussion.

Catherine looks at Sara. She is slightly relieved and slightly puzzled. It is not like Linzz to be so quiet. Catherine shifts her body so that she is resting more against Sara's shoulder, but it is discreet not wanting to make Linzz uncomfortable. **"Are you sure your okay with this sweetie?"**

**"Yeah." **Catherine, and Sara take this as their cue to go, and walk out of the room. Catherine slips her arm around Sara's waist.

When they get into the kitchen Catherine collapses in a chair at the table. She puts her head in her hands, and stares down at the wood lost in thought. Sara stands behind her massaging her back. **"Do you think she's really okay with this?"**

**"I'm not sure."**

**"She was very quiet."**

**"Maybe she has already accepted it."**

**"Or maybe she never will."**

Lindsay walks into the room and takes one glance at the mom before she changes her coarse from going to the fridge to taking a seat beside her mom. **"Are you okay mom?"**

**"Yeah I'm fine sweetie. Are you sure you are okay with this, because if you're not we can sit and talk about it."**

**"Are you happy?"**

**"Yes?"**

**"Then I'm fine with it. Sara loves you, and you two are happy. Why wouldn't I want that?"** Catherine looks up at Lindsay, and smiles at her then kisses her daughter. Sara has quietly retreated into the other room sense she felt like an intruder. Linzz can see her shadow on the door frame, and knows she is right in the hall. After grabbing a drink she goes out into the hall and gives Sara a hug before disappearing into her bedroom.

Sara comes back into the room, and smiles at the look of relief on Catherine's face. **"Now didn't I say she'd be accepting?"** Catherine looks up at Sara, and rolls her eyes at her.

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**"Can I run something by you?"**

**"Sure baby, what is it?"**

**"I was thinking maybe we should move."** Sara is sitting on the floor of her apartment sorting through all of her things before packing them. She looks up at Catherine who is leaning against the door frame clearly nervous. Sara motions for her to come closer to her then pulls Catherine onto her lap. Sara tucks Catherine's hair behind her ears and caresses her arm.

**"If you really want to why not?"**

**"Really?"**

**"Yeah. I have no problem as long as I'm with you and Linzz." **Catherine smiles at Sara, and kisses her slipping her tongue into the back of Sara's throat.

**"I was thinking we would stay in the school district, but move further from the lab so that you don't run the risk of being seen until you want to. I don't mind the extra drive, and then you can find a job somewhere else. You've spent so much on me and Linzz, and I've loved everything you've gotten me, but you must be running short on cash."**

**"Actually I have a lot saved up, and I love spending it on the two of you, but you're right. I need a job I've been feeling restless lately. I think a change for all of us would be nice."**

**"I've started looking at places already, and there are some nice ones further out of town."**

**"Okay so we can go looks at them, and pick one."** Sara smiles at Catherine, and rests her head on Catherine's shoulder.

**"So you managed to get the day off do you want to take a break, and..."** Sara pulls out a pair of handcuffs, holds them up, and points with her head toward the bed.

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Sara and Catherine stand arm in arm in their new living room. Linzz has already gone up to start unpacking in her new room. They had looked at many houses and there was clearly only one choice when they were done.

Sara is staring into the clear water of the pool in the back yard. Catherine knows she is dying to go up to the loft, put all of her books on the shelves, and find the perfect place to put her reading chair. Where the light shines just right warming the chair, but not enough that Sara could not start a fire in the fireplace, or curl up with a blanket. Catherine looks over at Sara a smile works its way onto her face as she sees the anxiousness in Sara's demeanor. Catherine tucks Sara's hair behind her ears, and lightly kisses her lips, **"Why don't you go up to the loft? I'm dying to work on the bedroom. I want to surprise you."**

Sara looks over at her and flashes an adorable gap toothed smile that makes Catherine's heart melt. Then she runs up the stairs like a young child looking for their Christmas presents. Catherine smiles to herself then heads toward their bedroom to get to work. Catherine is slightly worried that she will make the room too much of her own and not enough Sara, but she couldn't help herself. After she had snuck into the room, and carefully examined it she had gone out without Sara's knowledge to the store, and bought new everything for the room.

Stepping back Catherine admires her work. All of the rich browns and purples radiate through the room. Candles can be spotted in every corner, and Catherine pulls the covers up on the bed to hide the new black silk sheets she had bought for her and Sara's pleasure. Sara's pile of books that had laid next to her spot on Catherine's own bed now lie on the mahogany stand on her side of the bed. Catherine had tested almost every chair in the store to find the perfect one. Then had moved it all around the room to find just the right lighting for Sara to read. She had also tried every light for Sara's night stand before settling on one that looked old fashioned, and rustic like you would see in a castle. It fits perfectly in the room, and Catherine has one of her own that now sits on her night stand surrounded by pictures of Lindsay, and Sara. Catherine had also bought the same rich purple paint that had covered the walls of Sara's former apartment. She has not yet gotten the chance to paint, and is planning on doing it this weekend. Feeling satisfied Catherine goes and checks in on Lindsay, and then starts hunting for Sara.

Catherine doesn't have to look far; finding Sara curled up in her chair in the loft looking out over the green lawn into the woods that fence the yard. Her eyes are half closed signs that she has been deprived of sleep for the past week. Nightmares have starting plaguing Sara's sleep again, and some nights Catherine has stayed up with her as fear hovered in her mind keeping her from going back to bed. Panic attacks have been coming more and more frequently to Sara, and tears to Catherine who does her best to hide her own fear as she tries to rescue Sara from the depths of her darkest thoughts. Catherine has begun to worry about Sara again who for a while had restful sleep by Catherine's side.

Walking over Catherine sits on the arm of the chair and pulls Sara's head into her lap running her fingers through Sara's soft brown locks. **"Tired sweetie?" **Catherine whispers. Sara nods her head, but can't sum up the energy to speak She is enjoying Catherine's soft caress and warmth that sweeps over her. Any touch felt so right and Sara has been having trouble letting Catherine leave from her side worrying that she would not come back because she couldn't, or she has decided that she doesn't want to.

Sara knows that these are ridiculous thoughts when Catherine has been the one to sit up with her all night for almost a week, but at the same time she feels that it would just give Catherine more of a reason to leave. She has always taken the time to let Catherine know that she wouldn't leave her, but Sara has rarely shown any reason to have Catherine do the same.

Sara can't blame Catherine in that respect for not reassuring her, but sometimes Sara wishes she had shown that fear so that Catherine would hold her close, and tell her nothing could take Catherine away from her. A single warm tear trickles down Sara's face, and it caught by Catherine's lips. Her blonde hair covering both of them, it smells of vanilla warming Sara's heart, and reminding her for a moment that she is safe and loved.

Catherine's eyes lock on Sara and worry starts to wander back into her mind. The peaceful moment abruptly over as Catherine realizes that Sara isn't having the same happy thoughts that Catherine has been having and maybe for a moment had noticed the warmth, but her mind has quickly changed to darker things.

Sara turns to look up at Catherine, and raises her hand to stroke Catherine's cheek trying to cease the worry that she has caused. Sara tries to smile at her, but can only manage a small half smile. Gathering the energy Sara sits up, and pulls Catherine into her lap, and covers her with a blanket then rests her head on Catherine's shoulder. Catherine runs her fingers up and down Sara's arm before moving so that Sara can rest her head on her chest. Then returns to stroking Sara's smooth toned arm. **"How did the bedroom turn out?"**

**"Pretty good, you should go see."**

**"Will you come with me?"**

**"Yeah." **Catherine gets up and takes Sara's hand leading her down the stairs, and into the room. Sara takes one look around, and slips her arms around Catherine's waist pulling the blonde into her. She rests her head on Catherine's shoulder. Catherine tries to ignore the feeling of Sara's body up against her back knowing that the brunette is not in the mood for anything she has in mind nor would she agree to with Lindsay awake. Catherine rests her hand on Sara's, and laces their fingers resting them back on her stomach. **"Do you like it?"**

**"It's perfect."**

**"I'm going to paint it this weekend."**

**"I'll help."** Sara lets go of Catherine's hand and walks over to the bed. She snuggles herself under the blankets. **'Mmmmmm, I like the sheets."** Catherine smiles and joins Sara under the covers. Sara finds her place in between Catherine's neck, and shoulder and lightly kisses Catherine's neck a few times before stopping to absorb the warmth. Catherine links her fingers together over Sara's arm, and holds her tight.

Laying there for a while both are lost in their own thoughts until Catherine decides to take a chance, and ask Sara what has been eating away at her.** "Hey Sara?"** Catherine whispers.

**"Yeah?"**

**"What's been on your mind lately baby?"**

**"A lot and nothing. It's not that important Cat."**

**"When you cry, are have nightmares, and panic attacks almost every night I wouldn't call it nothing."**

**"It's nothing, and I can't really explain it."**

**"Can you at least tell me why you were crying up in the chair?"**

**"I wasn't really crying, but you have to promise you won't get mad, or upset with me."**

**"I promise."**

**"Have you ever considered leaving me?"**

**"No. Sara are you worried about that?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"Oh sweetie look at me."** Sara props her head up and looks Catherine in the eyes. Catherine tightens her grip on Sara even more. **"I love you so much. I have never had feelings like this for anyone, and we have gone through so much with each other. All I can tell you is that I love you so much, and I will always be with you. Nothing can take me away from you. I love you...I love you so much..."** Catherine can feel a lump rising in her throat, and she knows she promised she wouldn't get mad, but she can't help feeling hurt, and upset with herself. Catherine pushes Sara flat on the bed, and straddles her. Kissing her roughly, trying to convey feelings but at the same time trying to satisfy Catherine's own vulnerable side that has been left exposed by Sara's comment. Catherine ends the kiss and rests her head on Sara's chest, laying the rest of her body on top of the brunette, and holding her hand. Catherine soon feels Sara's breathing slow into one suited for sleeping. She doesn't want to get off Sara and install doubt in her mind, but Catherine can feel tears rushing to her eyes. She starts to silently sob, and tries to fight her body's movement, but it is inevitable as she shakes with the pouring out of tears.

Sara wakes up and can feel Catherine shaking on top of her. Tears that aren't hers are soaking through her shirt. She untangles her hand from Catherine's and wraps her arms around the blonde. This only causes Catherine to cover her face, trying her hardest to hide her pain. Sara keeps kissing her head as she pries Catherine's hand away from her face and holds it in her own. Sara rolls them over so they are both on their sides, and slides Catherine up slightly so that they are face to face. Catherine is trying frantically to cover her face, but Sara won't let her. Sara kisses away a few tears before resting her forehead on Catherine's, and watches her helplessly struggle with her emotions. Sara wishes she could help, but she knows this time she has to allow Catherine to do it on her own. So she provides as much support as she can through loving warmth, and caresses. Catherine's tears finally start to slow, and she opens her eyes looking into Sara's brown orbs that have been watching closely over her with love and concern. Sara untangles her hands from Catherine's now that she is certain that Catherine won't try hiding from her again. She never takes her forehead off Catherine's wanting to stay as close as possible to her. Sara starts to stroke Catherine's jaw line. With her lips only inches from Catherine's she whispers, **"I'm sorry."**

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TBC...


	12. Chapter 12

Catherine steps into the lab, and is trying to find a way to get the rest of the original team away from Grissom so that she can invite them to dinner. Sara has missed them terribly, and constantly talks about the difference between her old team, and her new one at her new job in a smaller private division of crime scene investigating.

Sara told Catherine this morning that if she couldn't get the guys away from Grissom to just invite him too, but Catherine knows the feelings that will bring back for Sara, and hopes to stall that meeting as long as possible. The chance however seems that it will not present itself tonight before the end of shift so Catherine catches the different groups of partners together, and invites them to dinner.

With relief they all say they can come, but Grissom says he will be slightly late which is really a relief to Catherine, because Sara will have some time to relax and enjoy her time with the guys before she has to face the possibility of an emotional breakdown. Catherine orders all of them to do one thing in her own way and that is, **"I'm living with someone so you have to be nice okay?"**

The replies are all the same, **"Of course Catherine,"** and there is the same look of curiousness in all of their eyes as it registers in their minds. The real reason Catherine moved; for a guy.

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Sara is nervous, and is having a hard time processing the evidence in front of her as her thoughts wander. It has been a few months since she has seen the guys, and she is having second thoughts to whether she is actually ready, especially if Grissom is going to be there. Her phone rings, **"Sidle."**

**"Hey sweetie I was calling you quickly to let you know that everyone is coming tonight, but Gil will be late."**

**"Okay thanks baby. I'll see you at home then. I love you."**

**"Love you too, bye."**

**"Bye."**

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Greg, Warrick, and Nick follow Catherine in the door into a welcoming sage green mud room. They all sit in the clean cut, open living room while Catherine goes to make coffee. Greg voices the question that has been floating around the room since they entered the house**. "So what do you think he's like?"**

**"I'm not sure, but hopefully he's a good guy. I'd hate to see Catherine hurt**," Warrick responds and Nick nods in agreement. They don't get to finish their conversation as they are forced silent by the appearance of Catherine with four mugs of coffee.

Greg doesn't hesitate though,**" So when are we gonna get to meet this new guy Cath?"**

Catherine flashes her most charming smile at Greg, **"When **_**he**_** gets home with Lindsay."** As if on cue the door opens out in the hall, and Catherine excuses herself so that she can go met Sara, to make sure she is okay with doing this. Sara greets her with a nervous smile, and a quick kiss. Linzz has already rushed past her mom to go and see everyone also to help stall. **"Are you okay sweetie?"**

**"Yeah. A little nervous."** Catherine takes Sara's hand and leads her into the living room. Everyone is busy talking together; Linzz has lightened the mood. They all look up when Catherine enters the room quickly followed by Sara. The two women can't help laughing as all of their guests jaws drop. They gain control of themselves quickly though, and they all jump up to give Sara a giant hug. Catherine steps out of the way smiling, but is quickly pulled into the hug followed closely by Lindsay. They all finally pull away as it starts to get too warm with the all the body heat. Catherine and Sara take their places next to each other on the couch. Sara drapes her arm over Catherine's shoulder, and strokes her arm as she happily answers questions. Catherine watches Sara. Smiling at how happy and at ease she suddenly is. The phone rings and Lindsay runs to answer it. Catherine knows that she is hoping it is this boy from school that she has started "seeing."

Linzz comes back into the room,** "Mom it was Uncle Gil he said he'd be here in about ten minutes."** Everyone's eyes travel quickly to Sara, and then they realize they are staring, and look away trying to find something else to focus on. The only eyes that remain on Sara are Catherine's. She notes how Sara has lost some color in her cheeks, and it seems she has retreated into herself. Catherine's knows that's not a safe place for her to be when she is upset. Catherine gets up and takes Sara's hand, leading her out of the room. She knows Sara doesn't want everyone to worry, which they will if she starts to have a panic attack.

Turning to face Sara Catherine continues to take in her demeanor. **"Are you going to be alright?"**

**"I hope so, because it is really too late to cancel."**

**"I'll be right here okay. I won't leave your side if you don't want me to."** Sara nods, and lightly kisses Catherine holding the kiss for a few more seconds. She appreciates Catherine's concern and devotion, but she is worried what will happen to both of their feelings when Grissom arrives. Sara knows Catherine can be the jealous type, and any hint of love could arouse the bitch in her. Sara is afraid her own feelings for Grissom will return full force at the sight of him. Catherine retreats to the kitchen to check on the lasagnas she's cooking. She has made one with meat, and one without her preference lately has been toward things with vegetables instead of meat.

Sara looks into Catherine's eyes as she comes back into the living room trying to convey to her that she needs Catherine's support right now. Catherine picks up on Sara's look and is instantly by her side sliding her arms around her. The group of people are enjoying themselves when the 

bell rings. They all go silent. Looks of anxiousness on every single face. Catherine decides to take charge. **"I guess we should all go in the kitchen. Linzz can you get the door?"**

**"Yep."** As everyone stands up to goes in the kitchen each of the guys give Sara a supporting hug.

Catherine turns to Sara and holds her close kissing her deeply. They both stand there listening to Linzz talk Grissom's ear off as she tries to help stall Grissom being well aware of the situation. **"What do you want to do sweetie?"**

Sara takes a few deep breaths before replying. **"I want to talk to him myself, but can you stay in here close in case I can't, or you think you should come in."**

**"Of course I can baby."** Catherine kisses Sara once more time before letting go of her hand, and following her until they reach the door frame. As soon as Lindsay sees Sara she stops talking, and walks into the kitchen letting everyone know to stay out. Grissom has his back turned to Sara, and is hanging up his coat. Sara's heart is racing, her hands are starting to get cold, and her stomach is doing back flips. Grissom turns around and his eyes fill with shock at the sight of Sara. They both stand frozen in time staring at each other. When neither has said anything for five minutes Catherine feels it is her time to step in.

Catherine glides out into the hallway and stops beside Sara. She wraps her arm around the brunette's waist and leans in and passionately kisses Sara. It takes a moment for Sara to respond, but she kisses Catherine back, and slips her tongue into the blonde's mouth quickly before they pull away from each other. Catherine holds Sara close as they both quietly laugh at the look on Grissom's face.

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Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed the story, and I will be staring on a new one right away for those of you who would like to read more. cathandsaraforever55


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